(As with anything else I write about parenting, this is
mostly just my observations with my own two kids and may not
generalize as well as I think it does.)
A few weeks ago I wrote about why I think it’s valuable for parents to be
predictable. I was mostly describing an end state, though, and
reasons why it’s a good place to be, but what should you do if you’re
interested in being more consistent?
I think it breaks down into three pretty different skills. The first
is only saying things you’re comfortable fully standing behind. Many
people especially when irritable, sleep deprived, or surprised, can
quickly spit out a consequence that is harsher than is fair. Things
like, “if you don’t stop this minute it’s no desserts for a week!”
Then when the threat fails the consequence feels too extreme, and they
don’t follow through. If someone read my earlier post and decided
they needed to stand by their quickly distributed threats I’d be
pretty sad, and not expect this to make things better. Instead, any
consequences need to be reasonable and proportionate, where you feel
fair when you do have to enforce them (which, ideally, is rarely).
One thing that can be helpful is having a system of simple stock
responses. The simplest is just a stern voice. If you reserve
speaking firmly for rare circumstances, then saying something
intensely and seriously can feel very significant.
Time outs can also work well: we use a system where we make it clear
what needs to change (“stop shouting”, “brush your teeth”), count to
three, slowly and clearly, stopping if they do what we want, and if we
get to three then it’s time out. Serious things can be time out
immediately. If you reliably use these, then not only does the kid
understand how they work and what they mean but you don’t have to come
up with a novel appropriate response at a time when you’re very
stressed (“Do not bite me. That’s time out.)
Even better, though, is avoiding commands and threats entirely. If
they’ve been playing with a puzzle and they ask you to read to them,
you can say you’ll read once they clean up the puzzle (and depending
on age maybe help them clean it up). They probably want you to read
badly enough that they clean up, but if not that’s ok too. You’re
using something they want you to do as leverage to get them do
something they should do, but you’re also teaching them the general
practice of cleaning up one thing before getting out another.
Similarly, don’t make committments unnecessarily. Instead of “I’ll go
downstairs and get your bear” maybe “I’ll go downstairs and look for
your bear.” While with adults we understand that when a person says
they’ll do something they mean they’ll put in a reasonable
effort and may fail if the task is surprisingly difficult or if
factors outside their control intervene, I find that with kids being
explicit about likely failure possibilities is helpful. “I’ll go see
if we have any more cheese sticks.” Similarly, adults understand that
you don’t have authority over everyone around you, but with kids
phrasing like “Mama can read to you when we get home” isn’t as good as
“I’ll ask Mama if she’ll read to you when we get home.” Or, even
better, “when we get home you can ask Mama if she’ll read to you.” [1]
The next skill is thinking of rules that will work well in a range of
situations. These can be explicit rules (“hold hands when crossing the street) or implicit
ones (saying yes/no without explaining reasoning but following a
pattern you could explain if asked). I find thinking “saying yes/no
no means saying the same thing in this sort of situation in general”
is a helpful way of thinking about it. [2]
This is another case where preparation can help. Before going to the
beach, think about what rule you’ll have for the water: “stay with a
grown up the whole time”, “only go in the water with a grown up”,
“only go in the water by yourself right in front of the lifeguard.”
If you notice yourself giving inconsistent answers to questions, take
some time later to figure out if there’s a rule that would work better
(“one short video each night, after dinner”). It’s ok, and expected,
to end up with a rule that doesn’t match some of your previous
decisions, just try to get a rule you’ll be happy with. (“I know we
did let you stand on the table sometimes, but from now on there’s no
standing on the table.”)
The easiest rules to be consistent with are the ones our culture has
for adults, since you and everyone else more or less know what these
are. As kids are generaly less capable, tall, intelligent, prudent,
etc than the people these rules have evolved for, you are going to need
to make accomodations. But I find that starting with a perspective of
treating kids like adults unless there is a reason otherwise works
well.
The third skill is actually following through on things you’ve said.
The better you get at the two skills above the easier this is: you’re
saying fewer things that need to be backed up, the consequences you’ve
promised are ones that generally seem fair, and your kids generally
understand the patterns and choose to avoid the consequences. But
they will still test to see if maybe the boundary has retracted while
they weren’t looking, and when they do you need to be firm. Sometimes
this is unpleasant for both of you but it makes the rest of your
interactions far better. [3]
(One way that poverty is harmful, and that parenting while well off is
unfairly easy, is that external factors can keep you from being
reliable for your kids. If I tell them I will do something I have
enough control that I can make sure it happens, but if I had work with
less flexibility, less money, or generally less slack this would be
much harder. Similarly, it’s much harder to be predictable when
you’re tired, hungry, overworked, or otherwise not at your best. If I
tell my kid no and they decide to test me by tantruming, I’m going to
be able to be stubborn longer than they can. But I’m only able to be in
a good mental state for that because I’ve been lucky in how well my
life has gone.)
[1] The first version, “Mama can read to you when we get home,” has a
different downside which is that one parent is making a promise on
behalf of another. We try very hard not to do this, and being careful
about it generally makes our interactions a lot better.
[2] This is also useful for yourself. Instead of “do I want to skip
exercising this morning because I’m sleepy” it works better to ask “do
I want to skip exercising every morning where I’m this sleepy.”
Sometimes the answer is yes, often it’s no, but it’s much more likely
to be a decision that looking back you’ll think was the right one for
you to make.
[3] I’ve phrased this as about verbal consistency, but it works even
when the kid is too young for words. Sleep training, for example,
generally needs a bunch of thinking “I know they’re really sad right
now and short term would like a cuddle, but we will both be much happier long term if they learn how
to sleep on their own.”
