Three male presenters, the usual stunts, the usual format: dull, dull, dull. Like the average punter taking on a used Nissan Almera diesel, I wasn’t hoping for much from series 27 of Top Gear. I was right.
Watching Top Gear was always a bit like having to sit through someone else’s holiday home movies, and I am sorry to say that the adventures of the newish trio of Chris Harris, Freddie Flintoff and Paddy McGuiness in Ethiopia are, if anything, even more tedious than the countless times Jeremy Clarkson and the other two used to get old cars and drive them around exotic places and break their suspension.
This time the team were given the “nostalgia test” – to find examples of the first cars, on a budget of £4,000. Paddy had a Ford Escort Mark 2, circa 1979; Chris a 1990 Mini Cooper; Flintoff did well to get himself a 1998 Porsche Boxster, albeit with slipping clutch and a convertible roof that didn’t work.
We’ll tell you what’s true. You can form your own view.
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a day, more exclusives, analysis and extras.
1/26 Killing Eve
“As the series develops, it’s clearer than ever that Eve and Villanelle are more similar than they are different. Villanelle’s new vulnerability invites us to question what it is exactly she wants from Polastri. First time around she was toying with a more worthy adversary, but why now? Polastri, by contrast, is frayed around the edges, a terrible wife to her husband Nico (Owen McDonnell) and an even worse intelligence agent to her boss Carolyn Martens (Fiona Shaw). The script is still tight and the jokes are still there, as are Villanelle’s accents, outfits and abrupt killings, but without the will-they/won’t-they energy of the initial plot, it is harder to care.”
BBC/BBC America
2/26 Years and Years
“Years and Years, then, is favoured by some wit, a cornucopia of fab talent and promising characters. The dominant one as we continue our quest into the 2030s and beyond, will be Vivienne, or Viv, Rook, played brilliantly by Emma Thompson. As a bit of a long-term Emma-sceptic I was actually startled by how good she is in the role of the epitome of everything she has spent her life hating and campaigning against, for Viv is a horrifically nasty businessperson turned populist politician with the most terrifying of views. Viv Rook makes Ann Widdecombe look like, well, Emma Thompson at an Extinction Rebellion sit-in.”
BBC
3/26 The Virtues
“Joseph is almost never out of shot, whether seen from afar, contemplating a bottle of strong cider in a playground, or in visceral close-up, clutching his doner to his face. There are few actors you could trust with so much screen time, especially with such a pared back and naturalistic script. The fact any of it is remotely watchable is testament to Stephen Graham’s abilities. No man working in Britain today can drink a pint with more pathos.”
Dean Rogers/Channel 4
4/26 Good Omens
‘Good Omens is a hugely enjoyable, imaginative premiere, as close to Pratchett’s vision as anyone could have dared dream. And while the melancholy tone may not be for everyone, fans of the book will surely be sated.’
Amazon Prime
5/26 Line of Duty (BBC)
“Plausibility is a spectrum; Bodyguard became ridiculous but Line of Duty stays just the right side, and as usual there is more plot in an hour than in whole series of other programmes. As well as being gripping entertainment, Line of Duty has become an effective examination of the relationship between the state and the individual. The shadowy government forces are elected; the organised crime gangs are fuelled by the drug trade. The police are there to save us from ourselves but can only do it if they are subjected to constant scrutiny. It’s exhausting work, policing the police.”
BBC
6/26 Our Planet (Netflix)
“The footage is glorious, especially the side-on tracking shots of the birds and the hunting, where it is as if the cameramen were able to set up a rail along the ocean. Most spectacular of all is the sequence of a glacier collapsing into the ocean, where 75m tons of ice being sloughed off in less than 20-minutes. But at times Our Planet feels a little unfocused. Attenborough’s last big BBC series, Dynasties, won almost unbearable amount of emotional resonance through its focus on animal families. Our Planet is more of a greatest-hits parade, with overblown orchestral soundtrack and ponderous intonation. You can’t buy love, even if you pay for David Attenborough.”
Netflix
7/26 Road to Brexit (BBC)
“The Road to Brexit is easily the best thing to emerge from the whole brexit imbroglio. OK, not much competition, but still… Despite the po-faced title, you realise very quickly that it’s not yet another drama starring Benedict Cumberbatch or yet another attempt by Laura Kuenssberg to explain the inexplicable, or yet another show with the public arguing about stuff they don’t understand. Rather, it’s a very clever, very funny, very ‘different’ parcel of bollocks to Brexit.”
BBC
8/26 Fleabag (BBC)
“While there are plenty of well-turned one-liners, the deeper attraction of Fleabag is schadenfreude. The character is as old as Daisy Buchanan or Lydia Bennett or Scarlett O’Hara. The best compliment to Waller-Bridge and her cast is that they find fresh clothes in which to dress these ancient monsters.”
BBC/Two Brothers/Luke Varley
9/26 Derry Girls (Channel 4)
“It is sometimes remarked that the Troubles in Northern Ireland make for an unpromising backdrop for a sitcom about adolescent kids. Well, yer man’s wrong, as they might say. Derry Girls, returning for a triumphant and exuberant second run, proves that humour, dark or otherwise, can be quarried from even the most unlikely of locations.”
Peter Marley
10/26 The Murder of Jill Dando (BBC)
“A tremendously sad, strange story then, and just as unfathomable today. Dando’s friends, family and the producer and director of the film have made a fitting and balanced tribute to her, something she deserves. I can’t really add anything to that.”
PA
11/26 Home (Channel 4)
“Home is a rather gentle, unobtrusive variation on the sitcom theme – but one that is built on a quite a bizarre premise. The twist is that a family who returns to Surrey from a holiday touring around France discover a Syrian refugee stuffed in the back of their SUV. Not only that, but, after a few moments of blind terrified panic about a suicide bombing, they eventually adopt him like he’s stray cat that’s just wandered in.”
Channel 4
12/26 Leaving Neverland (Channel 4)
“Michael Jackson has long looked like a burning tire yard. There were the allegations, the out-of-court settlements, the arrest, the trial and not-guilty verdict. But there has been nothing like Leaving Neverland”
AFP/Getty
13/26 This Time with Alan Partridge* (BBC1)
“This Time with Alan Partridge is such a consistently strong creative achievement that fears for the future of Alan Gordon Partridge, may, once again, be allayed. Or Alayned, perhaps.”
BBC
14/26 Shetland (BBC1)
“Like all the best detective dramas, Shetland engages the audience in the very process of detection. That way we grow intrigued, and we care. And so we find ourselves sitting next to Henshall in his (prominently featured) Volvo V70 estate, sharing his thoughts, intercepting suspects and being driven off the road by unidentified enemies.”
BBC/ITV Studios
15/26 The Umbrella Academy (Netflix)
“It is both a revisionist – and frequently batty – take on the caped milieu and a winningly knotty mystery. And it surely is the first big-budget superhero tale more indebted to Wes Anderson than to Stan Lee.”
Netflix
16/26 Baptiste (BBC1)
“Yet again the Williams have woven a brilliantly tangled web, helped in no small part by Karyo’s quietly arresting central turn”
PA
17/26 Catastrophe (Channel 4)
“There’s really been nothing quite like Catastrophe on our screens before, and it deserves its cult status for the quality of everything the production team do, not least the stunning cinematography in this finale. Thanks, all. I’m glad Catastrophe died happy.”
Channel 4
18/26 Inside Europe: Ten Years of Turmoil (BBC2)
“For anyone who’s not altogether sure how British politics turned so suddenly into a rolling dumpster fire from which all exits are blocked then Inside Europe: Ten Years of Turmoil is a necessary public service to explain exactly, and exactly how needlessly, we all came to be here.”
BBC/European Council Newsroom
19/26 Les Misérables (BBC1)
“West believes Valjean to be “the greatest hero in all literature”, and he plays the part with all the care and intricacy such a character deserves.”
BBC/Lookout Point/Laurence Cendrowicz
20/26 Danny Dyer’s Right Royal Family (BBC)
“You see, saint or sinner, prince or pauper, we are all part of one race, the brotherhood of man. And the saintly and regal Danny Dyer stands as its finest ambassador.”
BBC
21/26 The Secret Life of the Zoo (Channel 4)
“This documentary goes behind the shrubbery to show off these animals and their guardians. The humans are a pretty exotic bunch too, judging by some of the lines they come out with.”
Channel 4
22/26 A Year of British Murder (Channel 4)
“The programme-makers must have done much to win the confidence of so many friends and families, as they went through unspeakable personal pain; but they repay that confidence with an understated and powerful film.”
Channel 4
23/26 Brexit: The Uncivil War (Sky Atlantic)
“Despite what some feared, the casting of Cumberbatch doesn’t simply flatter Cummings – the A-lister is too good a chameleon for that. But, inevitably, as he scrawls out his campaigning brainwaves on a whiteboard, there is a touch of that deductive maverick Sherlock in his portrayal of this scruffy, balding political saboteur.”
Nick Wall
24/26 The Paras: Men of War (ITV)
“From the outset the production is elevated by its sensitive handling of the men – and the Paratroopers remain exclusively male – involved. These kinds of programmes have a tendency to fetishise toughness, lingering on assault courses and weaponry.”
Jonny Ashton/ITV
25/26 Billy Connolly: Made in Scotland (BBC2)
“Billy Connolly: Made in Scotland is a meandering look back over his life, career, and national identity – a “Proustian wander through Scotland”. There’s a lot of mordant chat about the weather, illustrated with shots of dark grey clouds above even darker grey lochs.”
BBC/7Wonder/Jaimie Gramston
26/26 Doctor Who – New Year’s Day special (BBC1)
“As a slightly cheesy reminder of what we love about Doctor Who – i.e. the fact it gives us an intergalactic eccentric in a big flappy overcoat shouting at Daleks – this is a New Year treat that more than delivers”
BBC
1/26 Killing Eve
“As the series develops, it’s clearer than ever that Eve and Villanelle are more similar than they are different. Villanelle’s new vulnerability invites us to question what it is exactly she wants from Polastri. First time around she was toying with a more worthy adversary, but why now? Polastri, by contrast, is frayed around the edges, a terrible wife to her husband Nico (Owen McDonnell) and an even worse intelligence agent to her boss Carolyn Martens (Fiona Shaw). The script is still tight and the jokes are still there, as are Villanelle’s accents, outfits and abrupt killings, but without the will-they/won’t-they energy of the initial plot, it is harder to care.”
BBC/BBC America
2/26 Years and Years
“Years and Years, then, is favoured by some wit, a cornucopia of fab talent and promising characters. The dominant one as we continue our quest into the 2030s and beyond, will be Vivienne, or Viv, Rook, played brilliantly by Emma Thompson. As a bit of a long-term Emma-sceptic I was actually startled by how good she is in the role of the epitome of everything she has spent her life hating and campaigning against, for Viv is a horrifically nasty businessperson turned populist politician with the most terrifying of views. Viv Rook makes Ann Widdecombe look like, well, Emma Thompson at an Extinction Rebellion sit-in.”
BBC
3/26 The Virtues
“Joseph is almost never out of shot, whether seen from afar, contemplating a bottle of strong cider in a playground, or in visceral close-up, clutching his doner to his face. There are few actors you could trust with so much screen time, especially with such a pared back and naturalistic script. The fact any of it is remotely watchable is testament to Stephen Graham’s abilities. No man working in Britain today can drink a pint with more pathos.”
Dean Rogers/Channel 4
4/26 Good Omens
‘Good Omens is a hugely enjoyable, imaginative premiere, as close to Pratchett’s vision as anyone could have dared dream. And while the melancholy tone may not be for everyone, fans of the book will surely be sated.’
Amazon Prime
5/26 Line of Duty (BBC)
“Plausibility is a spectrum; Bodyguard became ridiculous but Line of Duty stays just the right side, and as usual there is more plot in an hour than in whole series of other programmes. As well as being gripping entertainment, Line of Duty has become an effective examination of the relationship between the state and the individual. The shadowy government forces are elected; the organised crime gangs are fuelled by the drug trade. The police are there to save us from ourselves but can only do it if they are subjected to constant scrutiny. It’s exhausting work, policing the police.”
BBC
6/26 Our Planet (Netflix)
“The footage is glorious, especially the side-on tracking shots of the birds and the hunting, where it is as if the cameramen were able to set up a rail along the ocean. Most spectacular of all is the sequence of a glacier collapsing into the ocean, where 75m tons of ice being sloughed off in less than 20-minutes. But at times Our Planet feels a little unfocused. Attenborough’s last big BBC series, Dynasties, won almost unbearable amount of emotional resonance through its focus on animal families. Our Planet is more of a greatest-hits parade, with overblown orchestral soundtrack and ponderous intonation. You can’t buy love, even if you pay for David Attenborough.”
Netflix
7/26 Road to Brexit (BBC)
“The Road to Brexit is easily the best thing to emerge from the whole brexit imbroglio. OK, not much competition, but still… Despite the po-faced title, you realise very quickly that it’s not yet another drama starring Benedict Cumberbatch or yet another attempt by Laura Kuenssberg to explain the inexplicable, or yet another show with the public arguing about stuff they don’t understand. Rather, it’s a very clever, very funny, very ‘different’ parcel of bollocks to Brexit.”
BBC
8/26 Fleabag (BBC)
“While there are plenty of well-turned one-liners, the deeper attraction of Fleabag is schadenfreude. The character is as old as Daisy Buchanan or Lydia Bennett or Scarlett O’Hara. The best compliment to Waller-Bridge and her cast is that they find fresh clothes in which to dress these ancient monsters.”
BBC/Two Brothers/Luke Varley
9/26 Derry Girls (Channel 4)
“It is sometimes remarked that the Troubles in Northern Ireland make for an unpromising backdrop for a sitcom about adolescent kids. Well, yer man’s wrong, as they might say. Derry Girls, returning for a triumphant and exuberant second run, proves that humour, dark or otherwise, can be quarried from even the most unlikely of locations.”
Peter Marley
10/26 The Murder of Jill Dando (BBC)
“A tremendously sad, strange story then, and just as unfathomable today. Dando’s friends, family and the producer and director of the film have made a fitting and balanced tribute to her, something she deserves. I can’t really add anything to that.”
PA
11/26 Home (Channel 4)
“Home is a rather gentle, unobtrusive variation on the sitcom theme – but one that is built on a quite a bizarre premise. The twist is that a family who returns to Surrey from a holiday touring around France discover a Syrian refugee stuffed in the back of their SUV. Not only that, but, after a few moments of blind terrified panic about a suicide bombing, they eventually adopt him like he’s stray cat that’s just wandered in.”
Channel 4
12/26 Leaving Neverland (Channel 4)
“Michael Jackson has long looked like a burning tire yard. There were the allegations, the out-of-court settlements, the arrest, the trial and not-guilty verdict. But there has been nothing like Leaving Neverland”
AFP/Getty
13/26 This Time with Alan Partridge* (BBC1)
“This Time with Alan Partridge is such a consistently strong creative achievement that fears for the future of Alan Gordon Partridge, may, once again, be allayed. Or Alayned, perhaps.”
BBC
14/26 Shetland (BBC1)
“Like all the best detective dramas, Shetland engages the audience in the very process of detection. That way we grow intrigued, and we care. And so we find ourselves sitting next to Henshall in his (prominently featured) Volvo V70 estate, sharing his thoughts, intercepting suspects and being driven off the road by unidentified enemies.”
BBC/ITV Studios
15/26 The Umbrella Academy (Netflix)
“It is both a revisionist – and frequently batty – take on the caped milieu and a winningly knotty mystery. And it surely is the first big-budget superhero tale more indebted to Wes Anderson than to Stan Lee.”
Netflix
16/26 Baptiste (BBC1)
“Yet again the Williams have woven a brilliantly tangled web, helped in no small part by Karyo’s quietly arresting central turn”
PA
17/26 Catastrophe (Channel 4)
“There’s really been nothing quite like Catastrophe on our screens before, and it deserves its cult status for the quality of everything the production team do, not least the stunning cinematography in this finale. Thanks, all. I’m glad Catastrophe died happy.”
Channel 4
18/26 Inside Europe: Ten Years of Turmoil (BBC2)
“For anyone who’s not altogether sure how British politics turned so suddenly into a rolling dumpster fire from which all exits are blocked then Inside Europe: Ten Years of Turmoil is a necessary public service to explain exactly, and exactly how needlessly, we all came to be here.”
BBC/European Council Newsroom
19/26 Les Misérables (BBC1)
“West believes Valjean to be “the greatest hero in all literature”, and he plays the part with all the care and intricacy such a character deserves.”
BBC/Lookout Point/Laurence Cendrowicz
20/26 Danny Dyer’s Right Royal Family (BBC)
“You see, saint or sinner, prince or pauper, we are all part of one race, the brotherhood of man. And the saintly and regal Danny Dyer stands as its finest ambassador.”
BBC
21/26 The Secret Life of the Zoo (Channel 4)
“This documentary goes behind the shrubbery to show off these animals and their guardians. The humans are a pretty exotic bunch too, judging by some of the lines they come out with.”
Channel 4
22/26 A Year of British Murder (Channel 4)
“The programme-makers must have done much to win the confidence of so many friends and families, as they went through unspeakable personal pain; but they repay that confidence with an understated and powerful film.”
Channel 4
23/26 Brexit: The Uncivil War (Sky Atlantic)
“Despite what some feared, the casting of Cumberbatch doesn’t simply flatter Cummings – the A-lister is too good a chameleon for that. But, inevitably, as he scrawls out his campaigning brainwaves on a whiteboard, there is a touch of that deductive maverick Sherlock in his portrayal of this scruffy, balding political saboteur.”
Nick Wall
24/26 The Paras: Men of War (ITV)
“From the outset the production is elevated by its sensitive handling of the men – and the Paratroopers remain exclusively male – involved. These kinds of programmes have a tendency to fetishise toughness, lingering on assault courses and weaponry.”
Jonny Ashton/ITV
25/26 Billy Connolly: Made in Scotland (BBC2)
“Billy Connolly: Made in Scotland is a meandering look back over his life, career, and national identity – a “Proustian wander through Scotland”. There’s a lot of mordant chat about the weather, illustrated with shots of dark grey clouds above even darker grey lochs.”
BBC/7Wonder/Jaimie Gramston
26/26 Doctor Who – New Year’s Day special (BBC1)
“As a slightly cheesy reminder of what we love about Doctor Who – i.e. the fact it gives us an intergalactic eccentric in a big flappy overcoat shouting at Daleks – this is a New Year treat that more than delivers”
BBC
The “first cars” idea is a novel enough premise, but it soon deteriorates into the same sort of road trip as all the other ones that Top Gear has ever done – Vietnam, Southern Africa, Bolivia, all that. This time it was across the Semien Mountains range and down into the Afar Triangle, the “buthpless of ’oomankhand” in the extreme accent of professional Boltonian Paddy. The usual aerial shots gave us a feel for the majestic scenery and the rich local cultures of Ethiopia, and all that. But somehow, with this trio, the “buthpless of ’oomankhand” is somehow rendered underwhelming.
The saving grace is that the old-school Top Gear borderline casual racism is gone. Harris, Flintoff and McGuiness even manage to make a thoughtful reference to the famine of 1984 without lapsing into accidental Partridgespeak. A relief.
The script, or spontaneous dialogue, or whatever it was, just isn’t worth eavesdropping on. I’ve heard sharper banter on Love Island. Even the attempts at gross vulgarity – which ordinarily I greatly enjoy – are just numbingly awful. In the extreme heat of the desert, the hottest place on earth, they were issued with some remarkably futile challenges, like driving backwards for a bit, or blindfolded across an airstrip. The unchallenging challenges told us precisely sod all about the cars, about the presenters, or about the ancient civilisation and vibrant nation they were surrounded by. They might as well have been in the New Forest.
The almost-amusing bit was the “chunky knit jumper of failure” that the loser on each challenge had to wear, adding to the punishment and the risk of heat stroke, which isn’t as funny as it sounds. Naturally it got sweaty and malodorous so that “it smells like a marathon runner’s ballbag”. And that, I have to report, was the wittiest, most inventive line in the whole hour. “Ballbag” in the mouth of say Steve Coogan, Jo Brand or Asim Chaudhry would be devastatingly funny. Not here. The guys’ anecdotes about their times in their first cars were, like the Afar Triangle, dry as dust.
The remaining time on the show is taken up with Chris Harris thrashing a new, very fast, 700 horsepower Ferrari and a slightly less fast 600 horsepower McLaren around a track. It was the “twin test” format long-favoured in the car mags made into TV. As nicely photographed car porn it was fine, but the main point about anyone looking to buy a car for around £200,000 is that they are most likely in a position to buy the pair of each, if they like, and chuck in a Bentayga, a Bulgari watch and a yacht too. As a result, the £63,000 disparity in their list price and other comparisons between the two (admirably detailed by Harris) seem a bit irrelevant, frankly. Apparently the Ferrari has a bit of its carbon fibre dash that “looks like a medieval sex toy” (another line that fell to its death as it dripped from Harris’s lips).
Anyway, when I come to trade up my 2006 Skoda Octavia Mark2 1.4 Classic (80hp), I’ll try and bear in mind that the McLaren 600LT is much more the driver’s car than the Ferrari 488 Pista, even if the Ferrari “sets a new benchmark for the track-based supercar”.
Top Gear is in a bit of a rut, really. It feels slow and tired, and its three-cylinder engine could do with tuning up – with better jokes, fresher formats and, quite honestly, a bit less of three wealthy telly stars in life-doesn’t-get-better-than-this mode on the back of hard-pressed OAP licence fee payers. They should hire Coogan, Brand and Chaudhry. At least they’d be funny.
