You know how sometimes when you’re watching Titanic, just as the ship is about to hit the iceberg, you scream, “Look out!” at your screen — even though you know it won’t help? Honestly, rose lovers, Luke is that iceberg. And we’ve been yelling “LOOK OUT!” at Hannah for nine goddamn weeks, even though we’ve known for a while — thanks to the spoileriffic “this season on” previews — that she keeps him around until Fantasy Suites.
This week was no different.
Hannah went on four hometown dates and then flew back to L.A. to hand out four roses. No one went home this week, and by “no one” I mean “we are still stuck with Luke P. why God WHY??????”
Let’s recap.
Date No. 1: Peter
Where: Westlake Village, Calif.
Family present: Peter’s dad Peter, his mom Barbara, and his (v. cute) younger brother Jack.
“I feel like when I was little, playing with my Barbie dolls, Peter is the guy I saw myself with,” says Hannah. I can see it.
A few things to note about Hannah and Pete’s pre-family hang: Pilot Pete calls his black Mercedes his “baby.” He also keeps a condom in his armrest compartment.
“Why do you have a rubber?” asks Hannah, as an embarrassed Peter tries to shove the prophylactic back into its hiding place. “Let’s not put that on camera!” Too late, sir. Also, who still calls a condom a “rubber” in 2019?
In the least surprising development ever, their next stop is an airplane hangar. Time to fly with Pilot Pete! For a second, I thought the guy was going to land the plane in his parents’ driveway — his folks live nearby, and we see them waving gleefully at their son’s plane from the ground — but Peter wisely takes his date back to the airport.
Peter’s mom Barbara is so happy to see him, it’s adorable. “Oh! Oh! Oh!” she cries, hugging her son hard. Also, Peter’s dad is really rocking that statement necklace.
Lunch at the Webers’ is an international affair. Barbra leads them all in a German prayer (though they shout it gleefully, so it’s more like a football chant) before serving everyone some Cuban food. Peter (Jr.) gets emotional while giving a toast. (And props to Peter Sr. for calling it a “toast,” not a “cheers.”) “I can’t tell you how happy I am that I get to have you here with my family,” he says, getting choked up. “My grandparents would, like, have loved you too.”
When it comes time to grill Hannah, little bro Jack goes first. He tells the Bachelorette that Pilot Pete has always been a “hopeless romantic” who falls hard. “So,” he continues, “are you in love with each other?” Hannah hedges, saying her feelings are “on track” to love, while over in the backyard, Pete Jr. is confessing to his mom that he is, in fact, in love. “Have you said, ‘I love you’ to her yet?” asks Barbara. (Is it me, or is that an odd question for a parent to ask? Maybe my family is just extra-WASPy.) Peter says he hasn’t — after all, there are still three other guys in the mix, and he needs to guard and protect his heart.
Never fear, young Peter — Barbara is on the case! “He’s head over heels over you,” she tells Hannah. “And it scares me… I just wanted to share that.” The Bachelorette assures Barbara that she “cares for” Peter very much and says it could be “him and I” (ugh) at the end. Barbara starts to cry, but it’s unclear whether it’s about the bad grammar or the prospect of her son getting married. “I just wish that God would find a path for you,” she says tearfully.
Hold on, I think the camera operator tracking Peter and his dad is, like, having a stroke?
You ok there, buddy? Maybe it’s time for your lunch break. Oh no, now Peter Sr. is getting emotional, too! “I only want the best for you,” he says, his eyes welling with tears. “I just want the best for you.” Awww, hug it out you two!
Really, Peter’s family could not have been nicer. “God bless you all!” mom calls out to Hannah and Peter as they leave the house. “Blessings!” (Are these people real, or were they carved out of cream cheese like Clairee Belcher’s kin?)
Even with the confidence boost of seeing his family, Peter can’t quite work up the nerve to tell Hannah that he loves her. “I wanted to tell her so badly,” he sighs. “But as strongly as I feel, it’s scary.” How scary could it be, dude? Luke basically said it on his first group date — and look how far that’s gotten him!
Date No. 2: Tyler
Where: Jupiter, Fla.
Family present: Tyler’s mom Andrea, his dad Jeff, his Aunt Bettina, his two brothers, and three other unnamed relatives.
Tyler begins his date with Hannah by saying the 15 words every woman longs to hear: “I promise you, I’m better at driving a boat than I am riding a horse.” Praise the Lord indeed! Now take your shirt off, buddy — it’s time for you to get lathered up with sunscreen on camera.
When Tyler asks Hannah where she wants her sunscreen, she gestures to her nether-regions and giggles. “He’s super-hot,” says Hannah. “But there are big concerns for me that Tyler’s ready for, like, next steps in a relationship.”
Super-hot Tyler takes Hannah on a tour of his old aquatic hood, pointing out his favorite restaurant and the waterways where he used to swim as a kid. Naturally, they also jump in the water and make out for a bit. Then the date turns a bit poignant, as Tyler shows Hannah his childhood home, which his family had to sell after his dad lost everything in a market crash. “We all got stronger out of [that experience],” he says. It’ll also be the first time Tyler has seen his dad since his health scare, which happened right before filming began. “It’s going to be emotional,” says Tyler. “I want my dad to be around forever. I want him to see my wife, I want him to see my kids. You know?”
Yeah, we totally understand, Tyler. That sounds really emotional… Wait, why is Hannah on stage playing air-guitar with a reggae-ska band?
As for Tyler and Hannah’s attempt at the Dirty Dancing lift? Let’s just say it would never fly at the Sheldrake Hotel.
The sun is setting when Tyler brings Hannah to his family’s home. Oh crap, I’m already crying.
“You look great,” says Tyler, hugging his dad tightly. “It’s good to see you.” Dammit, show! I didn’t come here to cry.
After all the hugs and greetings, Tyler and Jeff go sit outside by the fire to talk. “I will admit, you’ve got me worried,” says pops, whose voice is raspy because he’s recovering from a paralyzed vocal cord. “I look at you with her, I’m like, ‘Oh my gosh, he might be in love!’” If that’s the case, adds Jeff, “we’d do all we can to love and support you. I love you, and I want the best for you and Hannah.” Dammit, show! I will not cry again.
Inside the house, Hannah is grilling Tyler’s brothers about whether or not he is ready to get engaged. Unnamed brother No. 1 says Tyler was the family’s rock during their father’s illness — he ran his dad’s business, helped his mother with everything she needed, and “really became everyone’s person to lean on.” So that’s a yes. Tyler’s dad agrees: “He’s 26 years old. He’s at a point in his life where marriage is definitely something he’s thinking about.” For whatever reason, we don’t see Hannah with Tyler’s mom. Andrea does have a brief chat with her son, and says she sees “chemistry” between him and Hannah. The Bachelorette, for her part, now seems satisfied that Tyler is both super-hot and super-capable of putting a ring on it.
Uh-oh, can someone get the hose? Tyler and Hannah are dry-humping in the back of the SUV.
“I want to give her all of me,” Tyler drawls. Not yet, buddy — that’s next week. For now, just try getting out of the Escape SUV without ripping your even-tighter-than-they-were-when-you-went-in-there trousers.
Date No. 3: Luke P.
Where: Gainesville, Ga.
Family present: Luke’s dad Mike, his brother Mike, his sister-in-law Hannah, his mom Elizabeth, his grandma, his great-grandma, assorted other unnamed relatives, and the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
Buckle up, rose lovers: It’s the Hometown That Never Should Have Been. “I’ve always, like, seen the good in Luke,” Hannah says. “Luke is definitely complex, and I want to understand why he is the way he is. If not, this would be the road for us.” Don’t taunt us, woman!
Luke meets Hannah by a covered bridge (how rustic!) and informs her that the first stop on their agenda is Sunday school. Praise the Lord and pass the Biblical coloring books!
Oh, my bad — this is a Sunday school for adults. They meet in a local café and sit around a table, Bibles open, and talk about God. Luke shares first, of course; his story is essentially what he told Hannah on his last-chance three-on-one date. Partying, drinking, chasing sex, God speaking to him in the shower — Luke has clearly recited this testimony before, but his friends listen patiently.
“I thank God for you,” Luke tells Hannah, as the café congregation claps. The Bachelorette is pleased with how “Luke lives his faith,” and Luke’s friends have no shortage of good things to say about him — he’s “the nicest dude,” “a good friend,” “so hospitable,” etc. “It was nice for me to also be affirmed in the good that I see in him,” says Hannah. “It was a nice change just to see people rally around him and support him.”
I’ll bet. But… what is the deal with Luke? I certainly don’t think all these nice churchgoing folks are lying about him for the TV cameras, so is Luke being fake with all of them too? Or is there something about this “competing with other dudes for one woman” situation that just turns him into a controlling manipulator? Who can say? To paraphrase Seinfeld: I will never understand people. They’re the worst.
There’s a big group of Parkers waiting for Luke and Hannah at his parents’ house, too. Hannah squeezes in on the couch next to Luke’s 91-year-old great grandma and begins regaling the family with the Saga of Luke P. Everything was “great, great, great” — until it wasn’t. “It became, like, Luke against basically I feel like the rest of the house from then on,” says Hannah. Not surprisingly, Luke explains it as “being put in the position” where he had to “walk on eggshells” and “say and do all the right things” rather than being himself.
Excuse me, Luke and Hannah? An unnamed male relative has a VERY important question.
Yes, Hannah. WHY? Her answer is extremely unsatisfactory. “I don’t know!” she drawls, laughing. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph — will our torment never end?
Mike Sr. is, of course, surprised to hear that his son has been a lightning rod for strife and conflict, so he pulls Luke aside for a one-on-one chat. “I hate to think of people being critical of you,” he says. “But… I just have no idea what you’ve gone through.”
Luke informs his dad that things with Hannah have been going smoothly for the last 10 days, in part because he’s been keeping “the noise” away from his “lane.” (If I never hear someone talk about a metaphorical highway lane again, it’ll be too soon.) Luke says that his “spiritual connection” with Hannah has kept them strong, and Mike Sr. is happy to hear it. “I would thank the Lord, number one, because somehow, her heart is softened to you,” he says. “And that is a gift like we could never deserve.” (Oh Mike Sr., you have no idea how little your son deserves it.) That said, Luke feels supremely confident that he will be the last dude standing: “I look her in the eyes, and I see Ms. Parker.”
Coincidentally, Hannah’s in another room talking to Luke’s brother and sister-in-law about Luke’s excessive confidence. “Sometimes it was like he thought he had it in the bag,” she says. “It was really frustrating because it came across a little arrogant, even with me.” Mike Jr. insists that’s “not who Luke really is,” and that his brother’s heart is “huge.” Mike Sr., meanwhile, says Luke is always the guy who stops fights rather than starts them. The Bachelorette, who has always insisted that Luke has a good heart, seems reassured by all of this.
Mama Elizabeth seems more concerned about Luke’s initial failure to Open Up™ than she is about the reports of everyone hating him. “What’s holding you back?” she asks her son, who gives her the same “I was just trying to be Mr. Perfect” line that he’s given Hannah before. Mom just wants Luke to show Hannah his “beautiful” heart, and she tears up upon hearing Luke say that he’s in love. Oh Liz, if Hannah picks your son, you won’t be the only one crying.
The date ends on a predictable note as Luke drops the L-bomb on Hannah and they make out on his parents’ front porch for a while before she climbs into the Escape SUV. “We had a good day, all day!” marvels Hannah. (Gurl, if having 8 drama-free hours with Luke is an anomaly, why would you want to yoke yourself to him for life???) As a parting shot, Hannah warns Luke, “Don’t screw up, or I’ll freaking hurt you!” Get your nunchucks ready, honey — you’ll need them next week.
Date No. 4: Jed
Where: Knoxville and Sevierville, Tenn.
Family present: Jed’s sister Lily, his mom Gina, dad Jerry, his grandma and grandpa, dog Tux, and other unnamed relatives.
Doesn’t Jed look excited to see Hannah?
“You look so beautiful!” gushes Jed, as he and Hannah stroll hand-in-hand to a nondescript brick building. Could it be his old high school? An organization where he volunteers? A nursing home where his grandma lives?
Nope. It’s a recording studio, silly! You didn’t expect Jed to go a full day without reminding us that he’s a singer-songwriter, did you? “You put me on the pageant stage and let me get a feel of that,” Jed explains. “Now we’re gonna step into my world and we’re going to write a song together.”
He and Hannah start jotting down ideas for their song based on their favorite moments from their “relationship” so far. They come up with lyrics like “cobblestone streets, you and me” and “making wishes under bridges” and so on. When they go into the booth to record, Hannah mostly lets Jed do the singing, though to be fair her voice is about as strong as his. (Yes, that is shade.) It should also come as no surprise that Jed chooses a recording booth to share this sure-to-make-the-final-episode sentiment.
And she LOVES it. Now all she needs is a Wyatt family blessing. Should be a piece of cake, right?
Jed’s actual hometown is Sevierville, which is about 29 miles from Knoxville. When he and Hannah arrive at the house, the whole gang is waiting for them outdoors at some rustic picnic tables. As they all sit down to dinner, Jed offers to “rip a cheers,” which must be how people say “make a toast” in Tennessee. “I just want to make a cheers to the people that I love and have missed the most,” says Jed, “and a cheers to the person that I am starting to love.” Is it me, or does Jed’s mom not look too happy about that last part?
It’s definitely not just me. Mom follows up Jed’s toast with a toast to “everyone trusting their intuition” and “stick[ing] to your truth.” It seems to strike everyone as a bit odd; there’s a two-second pause before the group clinks glasses and says, “Cheers.” Soon after that, Jerry pulls Jed aside for a chat. “I can’t get my head around all of it,” says Jerry, meaning the idea that his son would get engaged to someone after knowing her for a handful of weeks. Dad’s next question is even more telling: “How do you see your career working?” Jed says that Hannah is “all for” him pursuing a career in music and that he won’t be giving up his Nashville dreams.
Elsewhere, Hannah is trying to win over Jed’s mom, but Gina is very skeptical of this process. “I mean, it is kind of a dreamy way to get to date someone,” she says. “And I know Jed is just another guy… You are the Bachelorette, and he is one of the guys.” Oh no, Hannah says, Jed isn’t just another guy. He’s, like, one of four guys. “I know that with us it’s more than that,” says the Bachelorette. “I’ve told your son I’m falling in love with him.”
Mama is not impressed.
Someone get Hannah some Neosporin because that was a serious burn.
The Bachelorette maintains her composure. “No,” she says with a polite laugh. “I haven’t said that to anyone else.”
The next part of the conversation is… fraught, to say the least, especially given all the reports lately about Jed and his pre-show life. “I know he dated a girl for a long time,” Hannah begins, and mom’s reaction is… interesting. “He lived his life before Bachelorette,” says Gina. “He’s human, he’s been through a lot.” As for whether or not Jed is ready to be engaged, mom doesn’t come right out and say “no,” but she basically says no — her boy is gonna be a star, not a husband. “He couldn’t work full time and do music,” she tells Hannah. “So, his path is different.”
The Bachelorette is not satisfied with this answer, of course, so she tracks down Jed’s sister and attempts to ask her the same question, but her message gets a little muddled. “Does it worry you in a way, his career hasn’t completely, like, took off yet… you know, being with me at this point, like, does that worry you at all? Like, he couldn’t completely focus on his music.”
Lily is as vague and noncommittal as her mom.
“Making music makes him so happy,” she says. “Him potentially falling in love with you, I’m like not sure that it’s a good thing.”
Dayyyyuuum. Could someone get Hannah a hot toddy? Because it just got cold in here. And it’s not like Jed’s getting a warmer reception. His mom says she thinks the whole prospect of this “relationship” is “not very realistic,” and when Jed says he’s fallen in love with Hannah, Gina is like, Dude, that’s crazy. When it’s time for Hannah and Jed to say goodbye, the vibe isn’t much more pleasant.
“Tonight did not go the way I expected it to go,” says Hannah. “I did not get the validation that I thought I would get.” Jed seems oblivious to Hannah’s concerns, though. “Such a beautiful day,” he murmurs as he opens the door to the Escape SUV. “Everything just worked out.” Dude, what date were you on? Anyhow, Hannah informs us that she needs “more time” to think about everything. “I was hoping that hometowns would give me clarity, but my heart is still open to each relationship and doesn’t feel confident in closing the door.”
With that, we’re back at the mansion for the final pre-Fantasy Suites rose ceremony. After handing out roses to Peter and Tyler, Hannah falters with the final rose. “Um… Can I just…” she stammers, before walking out of the room. Tyler, Peter, and Jed huddle and whisper in their confusion, leaving Luke to stand alone in his. “You got this, Jed,” says Tyler. “It’ll be complete baloney if you don’t get a rose.” (Mmmmmmm… baloney, thinks Luke to himself.)
Meanwhile, Harrison confers with the Bachelorette in the makeup alcove. “What just happened?” he asks. “I can’t make a decision,” replies Hannah. “I need more time.” She’s so upset, she’s even shredding the precious final rose!
Things seem even direr when Hannah returns to the rose ceremony. “I don’t know what to do,” she tells the guys. “And so, I can’t give out a final rose.”
PSYCH!
There’s a dramatic pause, and then Harrison walks in with two more roses! That’s right, Bachelor Nation — the Bachelorette is taking the final four guys to the Fantasy Suites! Get it, Hannah Brown. Get. It. When she gives a rose to Luke, Jed (along with the rest of Bachelor Nation) rolls his eyes — and honestly, he doesn’t seem too psyched to get a rose himself.
“What the f–k is going on?” he stage-whispers to the guys. He vents further in his next confessional: “I got a rose, but to be honest, it doesn’t feel like I got a rose at all. It feels like it was really hard for her to make a decision between me and somebody who’s been a complete scumbag through this whole process.” It feels that way, bro, because that’s exactly what happened! So down your champagne and get ready for your 15-hour flight to Crete, Greece.
As we know, rose lovers, next week is the Final Reckoning with Luke. At long last. For now, let me know what you thought about this week’s leg of Hannah’s “journey.” Which family would you want to marry into? Was this Hannah’s best rose ceremony dress yet? And is Mike still the best choice for Bachelor? (Yes, obviously.) Post your thoughts below, and I’ll meet you back here next week.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
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Chris Harrison hosts the romance reality contest series. Will you accept this rose?
