It was Jim Royle of the Royle Family who once maligned having spent a pound on a pair of pants only to have “fifty pence worth’s stuck up my arse.” And as new contestant Arabella made her entrance into the Love Island villa it would be generous to attach a street value of more than half that to the nanoscopic streak of gold lamé still emergent.
It was quite the cat among the pigeons moment. The gossamer-thin threads of romantic interest woven across the villa over the last three torturous weeks went up in flames in an instant. The trouble, you see, when the currency of love is the number of Instagram endorsements it might secure, is that there is a particular premium placed on physical attractiveness. And Arabella, as a straightforward statement of fact, is much much better-looking than everyone else in there. Geopolitics may be too grand a term for fifteen people who will not move out of a fifty-metre square radius for two-and-a-half whole months, but even so, the fragile equilibrium of the villa has been decimated. There is now a super power.
1/20 Lucie trying – and failing – to make ‘bev’ happen
Love Island is known for adding new slang to the British lexicon, but 21-year-old Lucie’s firm insistence that ‘bev’ means a hot man failed to catch on.
ITV
2/20 Amber’s anti-chemistry with Callum
Straight-talking Amber quickly made mincemeat of Callum, the first boy she coupled up with. After correcting him when he said he looked younger than his 28 years, she confirmed it was his wrinkles which were aging him. She would go on to diss his sunglasses before ditching him for Anton during the next coupling.
ITV
3/20 Tommy’s Hannah Montana obsession
Sensitive boxer Tommy has been vocal about his love for Miley Cyrus’ teen sitcom since day one. His fandom reached new heights when he serenaded Curtis with a rendition of her hit song ‘The Climb’ to illustrate his path to winning Lucie’s heart. Aww.
ITV
4/20 The Joe-Tommy-Lucie love triangle
Blonde surfer Lucie was an instant hit in the villa, with almost every boy trying a cheeky graft. She seemed torn between Tommy and Joe, who each went nuclear in their attempt to woo her. Tommy pledged that he would crawl to the moon and back for her after knowing her for around 24 hours. Despite this, Joe’s jealous moping eventually won out.
ITV
5/20 Anton’s unique seduction techniques
The confident Scotsman’s seduction skills manage to be both slippery smooth yet wildly erratic. His mile-a-minute chat has failed to land with any of the Love Island ladies, leading his to receive a cold shoulder from from Lucie, Anna and Mollie Mae.
ITV
6/20 The cowboy challenge
The raunchy challenge saw the boys strip down to chaps and speedos before hopping on a bucking bronco and getting covered in paint splatter. Performances ranged from smooth (Michael and Sherif) to deeply awkward (Callum and Joe).
ITV
7/20 Curtis friendzones Mollie Mae
Amy had a minor wobble when newcomer Mollie Mae picked her man Curtis to join her for a date in the hot tub. She shouldn’t have worried: Curtis firmly friendzoned Mollie Mae and settled in for a gossip about his fellow housemates instead.
ITV
8/20 Anton is disappointed
Anton seemed confident at the first recoupling that pharmacist Anna would choose him. His confident smile on hearing Anna compliment her mystery love’s body quickly turned into disappointment when he realised she had been talking about Sherif.
ITV
9/20 Calum leaves the villa
The aircraft engineer barely seemed to grace our screens before he was ejected after Mollie Mae chose to couple up with Tommy.
ITV
10/20 Tommy makes his first cup of tea
Tommy shocked the nation when he revealed he didn’t know how to make a cup of peppermint tea. With a lot of coaching from Sherif, the boxer managed to impress Mollie Mae without her realising the truth.
ITV
11/20 Tommy convinces himself he made an omelette
Encouraged by his success, Tommy tried to step up his culinary game by impressing Mollie Mae with a breakfast omelette (with Curtis doing the actual cooking.) Tommy even seemed to convince himself that he cooked the omelette, although he was rumbled after Sherif let slip who really made it.
ITV
12/20 Yewande’s quest for love
Gorgeous scientist Yewande had been unlucky in love in the villa – until she was picked for a date by newcomer Danny. The rest of the Islanders encouraged her fledgling romance, from putting in a good word with Danny to criticising Mollie Mae’s attempt to woo the new boy for herself.
ITV
13/20 Sherif’s mystery departure
Nine days into the series Love Island bosses confirmed that Sherif had been suddenly ejected from the show after “breaking the villa rules.” The 20-year-old confirmed his departure was due to his “poor judgement”, but it remains unknown which rule he broke.
ITV
14/20 Curtis and Amy become a half-couple
Amy may have never had a boyfriend before, but she was the first girl to make it official in the villa – sort of. During a date in the hideaway, Curtis asked her to become exclusive, which ended up with her getting the very high school label of ‘half-girlfriend.’
ITV
15/20 Amber opens up
Amber gained a reputation for withering looks and cutting putdowns, but one man was able to get past her icy exterior. Firefighter Michael proved he could take her self-proclaimed diva attitude, and was rewarded – on the second try – with a kiss.
ITV
16/20 Anton’s bad chat gets worse
With Sherif out the villa, Anton resumed his moves on Anna. This time, it went even worse than before, with the Scotsman inadvertently comparing her with Mollie Mae, calling Anna beautiful ‘on the inside’. He thought the chat went well; a dressing down from Amber and Michael soon put him in his place.
ITV
17/20 Tommy’s romantic meal
Tommy was tasked with making a starter for his date with new girl Maura. “I’ve never put so much effort into cheese in my life,” he said, as he carved out lovehearts from limp sliced cheddar. The result, two slices of ketchup and mayo-smeared white bread, proved that Maura’s continuing lust for the 20-year-old boxer is made of powerful stuff.
ITV
18/20 The girls freak out over Maura and Elma
Amber, Yewande and Mollie Mae watched their respective partners meet the new girls from the balcony. “Confident sh*ts,” fumed Amber, while Mollie made fun of their flirty laughter.
ITV
19/20 Michael confronts Amber
Michael brands Amber’s behaviour as “childish” after the beauty therapist heckled his date with Maura.
ITV
20/20 Tommy and Mollie Mae fight
Mollie Mae wasn’t happy when Tommy seemed interested in new girl Maura, and wasn’t afraid to let the boxer know how she felt.
ITV
1/20 Lucie trying – and failing – to make ‘bev’ happen
Love Island is known for adding new slang to the British lexicon, but 21-year-old Lucie’s firm insistence that ‘bev’ means a hot man failed to catch on.
ITV
2/20 Amber’s anti-chemistry with Callum
Straight-talking Amber quickly made mincemeat of Callum, the first boy she coupled up with. After correcting him when he said he looked younger than his 28 years, she confirmed it was his wrinkles which were aging him. She would go on to diss his sunglasses before ditching him for Anton during the next coupling.
ITV
3/20 Tommy’s Hannah Montana obsession
Sensitive boxer Tommy has been vocal about his love for Miley Cyrus’ teen sitcom since day one. His fandom reached new heights when he serenaded Curtis with a rendition of her hit song ‘The Climb’ to illustrate his path to winning Lucie’s heart. Aww.
ITV
4/20 The Joe-Tommy-Lucie love triangle
Blonde surfer Lucie was an instant hit in the villa, with almost every boy trying a cheeky graft. She seemed torn between Tommy and Joe, who each went nuclear in their attempt to woo her. Tommy pledged that he would crawl to the moon and back for her after knowing her for around 24 hours. Despite this, Joe’s jealous moping eventually won out.
ITV
5/20 Anton’s unique seduction techniques
The confident Scotsman’s seduction skills manage to be both slippery smooth yet wildly erratic. His mile-a-minute chat has failed to land with any of the Love Island ladies, leading his to receive a cold shoulder from from Lucie, Anna and Mollie Mae.
ITV
6/20 The cowboy challenge
The raunchy challenge saw the boys strip down to chaps and speedos before hopping on a bucking bronco and getting covered in paint splatter. Performances ranged from smooth (Michael and Sherif) to deeply awkward (Callum and Joe).
ITV
7/20 Curtis friendzones Mollie Mae
Amy had a minor wobble when newcomer Mollie Mae picked her man Curtis to join her for a date in the hot tub. She shouldn’t have worried: Curtis firmly friendzoned Mollie Mae and settled in for a gossip about his fellow housemates instead.
ITV
8/20 Anton is disappointed
Anton seemed confident at the first recoupling that pharmacist Anna would choose him. His confident smile on hearing Anna compliment her mystery love’s body quickly turned into disappointment when he realised she had been talking about Sherif.
ITV
9/20 Calum leaves the villa
The aircraft engineer barely seemed to grace our screens before he was ejected after Mollie Mae chose to couple up with Tommy.
ITV
10/20 Tommy makes his first cup of tea
Tommy shocked the nation when he revealed he didn’t know how to make a cup of peppermint tea. With a lot of coaching from Sherif, the boxer managed to impress Mollie Mae without her realising the truth.
ITV
11/20 Tommy convinces himself he made an omelette
Encouraged by his success, Tommy tried to step up his culinary game by impressing Mollie Mae with a breakfast omelette (with Curtis doing the actual cooking.) Tommy even seemed to convince himself that he cooked the omelette, although he was rumbled after Sherif let slip who really made it.
ITV
12/20 Yewande’s quest for love
Gorgeous scientist Yewande had been unlucky in love in the villa – until she was picked for a date by newcomer Danny. The rest of the Islanders encouraged her fledgling romance, from putting in a good word with Danny to criticising Mollie Mae’s attempt to woo the new boy for herself.
ITV
13/20 Sherif’s mystery departure
Nine days into the series Love Island bosses confirmed that Sherif had been suddenly ejected from the show after “breaking the villa rules.” The 20-year-old confirmed his departure was due to his “poor judgement”, but it remains unknown which rule he broke.
ITV
14/20 Curtis and Amy become a half-couple
Amy may have never had a boyfriend before, but she was the first girl to make it official in the villa – sort of. During a date in the hideaway, Curtis asked her to become exclusive, which ended up with her getting the very high school label of ‘half-girlfriend.’
ITV
15/20 Amber opens up
Amber gained a reputation for withering looks and cutting putdowns, but one man was able to get past her icy exterior. Firefighter Michael proved he could take her self-proclaimed diva attitude, and was rewarded – on the second try – with a kiss.
ITV
16/20 Anton’s bad chat gets worse
With Sherif out the villa, Anton resumed his moves on Anna. This time, it went even worse than before, with the Scotsman inadvertently comparing her with Mollie Mae, calling Anna beautiful ‘on the inside’. He thought the chat went well; a dressing down from Amber and Michael soon put him in his place.
ITV
17/20 Tommy’s romantic meal
Tommy was tasked with making a starter for his date with new girl Maura. “I’ve never put so much effort into cheese in my life,” he said, as he carved out lovehearts from limp sliced cheddar. The result, two slices of ketchup and mayo-smeared white bread, proved that Maura’s continuing lust for the 20-year-old boxer is made of powerful stuff.
ITV
18/20 The girls freak out over Maura and Elma
Amber, Yewande and Mollie Mae watched their respective partners meet the new girls from the balcony. “Confident sh*ts,” fumed Amber, while Mollie made fun of their flirty laughter.
ITV
19/20 Michael confronts Amber
Michael brands Amber’s behaviour as “childish” after the beauty therapist heckled his date with Maura.
ITV
20/20 Tommy and Mollie Mae fight
Mollie Mae wasn’t happy when Tommy seemed interested in new girl Maura, and wasn’t afraid to let the boxer know how she felt.
ITV
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And that, it should be made clear, is not without its risks. As the rest of the ladies sat stony-faced around the beanbags, it was almost, almost, as if they were unaware of the lessons of Thucydides’s History of the Peloponnesian War – that the surest march to conflict is not the rising power itself but the fear it engenders in the rest.
For the fragile peace to last til Monday morning, some kind of makeshift UN Security Council will have to be established. (Its permanent member will obviously be Curtis.)
In the meantime, Anton’s role in proceedings has been that of the exuberant sixteen-year-old in 1914, rushing down to the local recruitment station to lie about his age. We all know how this one ends.
Various non-aggression pacts have been established. Tommy Fury is pretending to be Switzerland, but really he’s more like Spain – still too damaged by recent, localised conflicts to play any major role in this one. Yewande is wearing Danny as a human shield. but the sirens are going off, the air is ionising.
Things fall apart. The centre cannot hold. Someone’s hour is coming.
