Welcome to the first episode of The Bachelorette all season that was 100 percent Luke P. free, rose lovers! In part one of Hannah’s finale “journey,” one bachelor was sent home, and the Brown family met the final two men. As for the “end to all the rumors” stuff we were promised in the promo? Well, for that we’re going to have to wait until tomorrow.
Let’s recap.
After a brief stop in the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, we rejoin the action in Crete, where the rose ceremony — now free of all obnoxious disturbances — can, at last, commence… as soon as Harrison moves the rose podium back to its proper position.
Hannah is kind of a wreck. “I have to continue to make the hard decisions,” she tells Tyler, Peter, and Jed. “I’m not just breaking somebody’s heart, I’m breaking my heart.” So who will join Hannah in the land of the heartbroken?
Though a pre-rose ceremony Peter was certain he and Hannah were “meant to be together,” the Bachelorette’s heart feels otherwise. Still, he handles it with grace and maturity. “This sucks, and this hurts,” he tells Hannah, as they sit together on the Bye-Bye Bench. “But I don’t regret anything about it. I truly don’t.”
Farewell, Ben Higgins version 2.0. You seem like a very nice guy, but I hope we don’t see you as the Bachelor come January. It’s time for something new. (*cough* Mike *cough* or, barring that, *cough* Tyler *cough*)
After watching this brutal breakup, we immediately go live to the Thunderdome, where a tearful Peter has just watched himself get dumped on national TV. Even poor Peter’s parents, Barbara and Peter Sr., are there, weeping in the audience. Harrison says his mom has “gone through a box of Kleenex” watching her son’s misery.
“I know how he felt,” says Peter’s mom, breaking down in tears. “It hasn’t been easy.”
Harrison asks Peter if he still loves Hannah, and he answers carefully. As a dude who’s first in line to be the next Bachelor, he knows he can’t sound too lovelorn — but he also wants people to know he’s capable of forming a “real” “connection” on a televised spouse search. “I don’t think you can completely fall out of love with someone [so quickly],” says Peter. “I know time will heal all wounds.”
But will it? Hannah and her ponytail are waiting backstage to break your heart all over again, pilot Pete! What would you like to say to her? “For me, these last two months, I’ve just been trying to pinpoint what it was that was the turning point for you, where you realized it wasn’t us?”
“There wasn’t anything wrong… I wish I could give you a clear, concrete answer,” she tells him. Up until the final rose ceremony day, Hannah continues, she thought Peter would be in her final two… but that morning, her heart told her otherwise. Also, because Peter was late to drop the l-bomb, Hannah was a little worried that the pilot might be “scared” to love her. Still, the Bachelorette assures Peter that “everything we had was real.”
When Hannah adds, “I was scared I was letting go of the perfect guy,” some sassy woman in the audience yells out, “YOU DID!” It helps lighten the mood a bit, but not nearly as much as the moment Hannah reveals to Harrison — and the world — that she and Pilot Pete actually had sex four times in the infamous windmill, not just two. The crowd roars and Harrison gives Peter the Very Virile Pilot a one-man standing ovation. Congrats, Barbara! You must be so proud.
On that note, let’s get Hannah’s parents involved in this mess, shall we?
Meet the Parents, Part 1: Tyler
Family present: Hannah’s mom Susanne, her dad Robert, her brother Patrick, and two unnamed relatives
Before Tyler arrives, Hannah gives her family a bit too much information about him. “Our relationship’s been really physical,” she explains. “I didn’t know if I was falling in lust with him or have been falling in love with him.” Cringing! Raise your hand if you’ve ever discussed your sex life with your parents. Anyone? (Reminder: I am 100 percent WASP.)
Tyler arrives wearing a crisp white polo and bearing flowers. “It’s an honor to meet the in-laws!” he says. (Easy, buddy — right now they’re just people.) In a classic Tyler move, he begins his conversation with the Brown clan by praising Hannah. “You guys should be so proud of this girl, the way she’s conducted herself. She’s just been absolutely amazing,” he says. Mom and Dad LOVE it. Then they start talking about something else, but I was too distracted by Tyler’s arms to listen.
“Tyler and Hannah seem very happy with each other,” says Susanne. When she sits down with her daughter’s suitor for a one-on-one, mom asks if he would ever lie to Hannah. Of course, Tyler says that’s something he’d “never” do. (I’m sure he means it, but dude, that’s a “never say never” situation.) “I really do love your daughter,” says Tyler. “I want her to be my wife, and I want to be her best friend, and I want to be her biggest cheerleader.” By the end, mom is completely charmed. “Tyler just kind of blew me away today,” she gushes. “He was pretty amazing, all the way around.”
Dad agrees. “Tyler seems to be the real deal,” he says. “He seemed to be very loving.” Hannah, though, is a little mortified to learn that Robert and Tyler discussed Tyler’s trip to the Fantasy Suite. “You talked about that?” she says. Damn straight they did, Hannah. “I told him that it meant a lot to me that he handled that situation the way he did,” says Robert frankly. “I think he has good intentions.”
Everything’s going so well, Hannah seems like her mind is made up. When Susanne asks her daughter if she sees herself getting engaged to Tyler in the end, the Bachelorette has a clear answer: “Yeah.” And then there’s this:
Welp, there it is. Can we put Jed on a plane outta Crete now? No? Ugh.
Meet the Parents, Part 2: Jed
When it’s Jed’s turn to meet the Browns, Hannah admits that she’s “freakin’ out” a little bit. Not because she’s worried they won’t like him (though, spoiler alert, they won’t), but because she’s starting to feel the pressure of having to make a final choice. For now, though, she just hopes that her family “sees what I see” in the wannabe country star.
The first warning sign comes when Jed announces that he’s “a musician and a songwriter.” Mom’s face says it all.
And while I’m still not sure who these two are, it’s pretty clear they’re not into Jed’s less-than-stable occupation either.
Robert informs us that Jed seems nice enough, but he wants to know “how he’s gonna provide for” his daughter. He asks Mr. Wyatt what his financial “goals” are because following your dreams is great and all, but it doesn’t put food on the table. Jed’s answer is… Well, let’s just say I laughed out loud at several points. First, he says he wants to have as many “facets of income and back-up plans” that he can, but he does not back that up with one specific facet or back-up plan. Then, rose lovers, Jed reveals his most “major accomplishment” so far.
At least Jed has the good sense to look embarrassed about this declaration. To be fair, jingle-writing can be very lucrative, as anyone who’s seen an episode of Two and a Half Men knows. And plenty of struggling singer-songwriters would kill to write a jingle for a dog food company. But, dude, if Hannah’s parents are looking for assurance that she won’t have to be the sole breadwinner, and all you can come up with is “dog food jingle” — well, that’s just tragedy disguised as farce.
Robert does his best to keep his skepticism in check. “I consider marriage as a one-time deal,” he says. “Sometimes the financial situations are the problems and sometimes it’s other things, but it’s amazing how many times [money] is the main problem. I’m a man who works 14, 16 hours a day to make sure they’re all taken care of.” Tough but fair, Robert. Tough but fair. Jed is properly chastened.
Things don’t get any better when he sits down with Susanne. “I feel a little confused,” sighs Jed. “It seems like they were mainly concerned with the financial aspect of our relationship… They don’t think I’m adequate or something.”
Correct. Susanne doesn’t say as much when she chats one-on-one with Hannah, but she makes her concerns known. With Jed, she says, she’d be married to a man who’s spending a lot of time in bars, playing “all hours of the night.” Tyler, meanwhile, is “on his own” — and by that, I think Susanne means that Tyler, as a fully employed general contractor, is self-sufficient. Jed, meanwhile, is selling kibble.
“I knew this was freaking going to happen,” groans Hannah. But she can’t help but be moved when her mom breaks down in tears and says, “I want somebody that’ll love you like I know you should be loved.” Awww, hug it out, you two!
“I appreciate my parents’ opinion and their love and support for me,” says Hannah. “But now I’m freaking out.” Gurl, you should be. Robert compounds those feelings when he tells Hannah that Jed likes to “beat around the bush” and “overexplain” things, while Tyler is “more direct.” Is that dad’s polite way of saying that Jed is a bulls–t artist? Probably.
“He’s very proud of the dog food jingle that he did,” Robert continues. “That’s what he said he was proud about.” Hannah, irritated by the slight, takes this opportunity to inform her daddy that whether or not Jed makes it big selling Alpo, she herself is actually capable of earning a living. Yes, even though she has a vagina! “I am going to be successful and I’m going to be able to provide for my family, too,” she says. “I know I have all of the talents and gifts to be able to give myself the life that I want to.”
YES, GURL YES! MULTIPLIED BY 500 MORE YESES! Hannah knows her dad is the kind of guy who’s going to say things like “the man of the house” and so on, but she’s still going to talk to him like it’s 2019. Because it is. She then moves the discussion along to Jed’s feelings for her. “He says that he does love you,” notes Robert, who does not sound too enthusiastic. Hannah calls him on it: “I know you have concerns, so will you just say what you feel about him, then?” Dad’s answer is vague, but also very clear.
Message received, Robert. “I’m gonna get up for just a second,” murmurs Hannah, as she heads outside for some air (and wine). Jed spots her and immediately gets all up in her business because he for sure knows he’s on shaky ground. “I feel really good about us,” he says. “I have for a long time.” When Hannah hesitates to talk to him about Tyler, Jed claims to not “give a s—” about himself right now, but I think we all know that’s a pile of baloney.
“With Tyler… yesterday went really, really well,” says Hannah. “I’m now confused.”
“This is why you don’t date two people at the same time!” she laments. “I don’t know.” Jed wraps his arm around her. “Baby, we know what we have,” he says. Her reply, a simple “Yeah,” is not very enthusiastic.
Last Chance Date No. 1: Tyler
“These next two dates are really important for me to gain clarity,” says Hannah, who is rocking a gorgeous off-the-shoulder peasant blouse thing. Unfortunately, she also thinks it would be hilarious to make Tyler ride a horse again. After a few false starts, Tyler manages to mount his steed, and they have a calm and vomit-free ride through the countryside.
“I can definitely see a future with Tyler,” says the Bachelorette. “Like, totally.” That night, they cuddle on the couch and talk about the future — not specifics, obviously, but just general “it’s gonna be awesome” stuff. “I truly believe I can make it work for us, no matter where we go,” says Tyler. “I just know that we can be kick-ass in our marriage.”
And she LOVES it. “What’s upstairs, Tyler?” Hannah drawls, leading her hunky potential husband to the bedroom for a vertical make-out sesh.
Ugh, get your shoes off the bed, you two! Were you raised in a barn?
Last Chance Date No. 2: Jed
“Meeting my family didn’t go like we hoped,” Hannah reminds us, as though we didn’t just watch Jed tank with the Brown clan a few minutes ago. But don’t worry, Hannah, it’s nothing a sail on the gorgeous Sea of Crete can’t fix!
“Is this really rocky, or is it just me?” asks Hannah nervously, as the boat bobs vigorously on the roiling waters. The Bachelorette tries to play through the pain, but pretty soon she’s puking over the side.
Oh, Hannah, the Lord could not be sending you a clearer sign. With Tyler, it’s all peaceful communing with nature; with Jed, it’s a treacherous ride on the S.S. Barfpile. (Also, kudos to Team Bachelorette for another sneaky frankenbite: In the most recent promo, they placed Hannah’s quote from this date, “this was not how this was supposed to go,” over footage of her at the Proposal Platform.)
Vomiting is definitely a mood-killer, and the rest of Jed and Hannah’s day date is subdued. Jed admits he’s nervous about her “other feelings still floating” around. Also, “I’m feeling like your dad didn’t believe in me,” he adds sadly. “I just don’t think he understands the other stuff that I do. I didn’t go into vast detail, but it’s not like I only know how to do music.” Really, buddy? How was Robert supposed to know that when he asked you point-blank how you plan to make money and all you could come up with was “dog food jingle”? Anyhow, Hannah excuses herself from the depressing conversation and sits alone on another part of the boat, contemplating her future (a.k.a. tomorrow).
Will the evening portion of Hannah’s date with Jed give her the “clarity” she keeps saying she needs? Spoiler alert: Nope. While she says she feels “very loved” by Jed, she’s still (rightfully) hung up on her dad’s concerns about Jed’s non-career. Having dreams is fine and all, but at some point, you’ve gotta put your big-boy pants on and get a j-o-b. Jed promises Hannah he will “step up to the plate and do absolutely everything I can for you” — a nice but meaningless sentiment, entirely without specifics. Doesn’t Hannah look happy?
“I don’t know that I have the clarity that I need for tomorrow and a proposal,” sighs Hannah. “I know that I’ll break someone’s heart tomorrow.”
One. More. Episode, rose lovers. (Two, if you count After the Final Rose as its own entity, but you get the point.) And based on everything we saw in the “tomorrow on” preview, Tuesday is going to deliver three hours of messy, messy drama. Before you go rest and rehydrate for tomorrow night’s marathon, let me know what you thought about part one of Hannah’s finale. Will Hannah fall victim to the “I’m going to choose the one no one likes because I’m my own person” curse? Would you like to see either of these dudes as the next Bachelor? And what dog food do you think Jed is selling? Post your thoughts below!
Part 2 of The Bachelorette finale airs Tuesday at 8 p.m. on ABC.
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