Who could forget that famous photograph of Tom Watson at the Glastonbury pop festival in 2017, looking like Super Mario’s morbidly obese brother?
It shamed the politician formerly known as Tommy Two Pizzas into embarking on a drastic crash diet.
Readers of this column know Watson best as the Nonce Finder General, responsible — in cahoots with a notorious, now convicted, fantasist and sex offender called Carl Beech — for trashing the lives and reputations of blameless men falsely accused of ‘historic’ crimes such as child rape and even murder.
Yet while some of his victims died before they could clear their names, and others are still living with the trauma of being publicly denounced as paedophiles and worse, Watson has been allowed to rehabilitate himself.
Who could forget that famous photograph of Tom Watson at the Glastonbury pop festival in 2017? Now he is back among music moguls after being appointed chairman of UK Music
In November, he stood down from his West Midlands seat, shortly before it fell to the Tories. If he’d had a shred of decency, he would have slithered away under whichever stone he emerged from and stayed there.
Instead, he stepped up a shameless campaign of self-promotion beneath the guise of promoting a novel and a diet plan, detailing how he managed to shed eight stone. And he still fancies his chances of copping a peerage.
Now, incredibly, he has been appointed chairman of UK Music, the umbrella organisation which represents everyone from songwriters and musicians to record companies and publishers.
The news was sneaked out last week under cover of the coronavirus crisis and has gone largely unreported in the mainstream media until today.
Many appalled members of UK Music only learned of it via email or word of mouth. Watson’s appointment, which is believed to pay around £60,000 for a two-day week, has been greeted with incredulity and disgust.
Watson’s new role, which is believed to pay around £60,000 for a two-day week, has been greeted with incredulity and disgust among members of UK Music
Don’t forget that some well-known people in the music industry were swept up in the post-Jimmy Savile sex crimes hysteria which Watson did so much to fuel. One of those who suffered from false allegations, the radio and TV presenter and author Paul Gambaccini, wrote to UK Music at the end of last year when rumours began to spread that Watson was in the running, pleading with them not to give him the job.
Gambo’s justified concerns were obviously ignored.
Watson is understood to have had strong support from the Musicians Union and other Left-leaning industry figures, but his appointment was opposed by record label and publishing executives. As chairman, Watson will be responsible for lobbying and negotiating on behalf of an industry which generates more than £5 billion a year and employs 190,000 people.
What qualifies him for this crucial role, apart from the occasional visit to Glastonbury and a bizarre obsession with an obscure pop group called Drenge? Has he been hired for his political influence?
If so, I fear UK Music may be in for some disappointment.
Leave aside the question of whether a petulant, partisan politician with such a disreputable track record is a fit and proper person to represent one of the country’s most important and admired creative industries.
It is entirely feasible that for the next ten years Britain will be governed by a Conservative Party which considers Watson a pariah, since he has spent the best part of the last decade smearing leading Tories as child molesters.
If those who appointed Watson think he will be able to promote UK Music’s public image, they must have overlooked the fact that he hates the popular Press, which he tried to bring under strict State control over alleged phone-hacking. The feeling’s mutual.
To be honest, it’s difficult to think of anyone less suited to the job. I stick with my assessment of Watson as one of the most malevolent, malignant individuals ever to soil British politics.
Underneath the sleek new carapace, he remains a self-serving, self-righteous zealot, utterly unfit for high office anywhere, not just politics. What the music business has done to deserve him is a mystery.
Looks like I’m going to have to settle on a nickname for new Labour leader Keir Starmer. Up until now I’ve called him Max Headroom because of his striking resemblance to the computer-generated 1980s TV personality.
A couple of years ago, Mail reader Mike Davey also noticed a remarkable likeness between Starmer and the notorious London taxi cab rapist John Worboys.
Starmer has since been dubbed Mr Moisturiser after sharing his nightly skin care secrets with the New Statesman magazine. That certainly has a nice ring to it. Let me know what you think. Meanwhile, with coronavirus dominating the headlines, he faces an uphill struggle to make his mark.
Mr Moisturiser: Keir Starmer will now lead Labour after winning the party election, and could now perhaps offer advice on the correct application of face cream and hand washing
Perhaps he should adopt the Mr Moisturiser persona and start turning out a daily show on YouTube, like Joe Wicks. He could even get himself a Mr Moisturiser outfit, modelled on Mr Motivator, who has made an unlikely comeback in recent weeks.
Starmer could offer advice on the correct application of face cream, along with demonstrating the best way to wash your hands to avoid infection — perhaps while dancing to a catchy disco number.
He’s seen off Corbyn-70. Tackling Covid-19 should be a piece of pickle.
The Clooneys have built a fancy new, environmentally friendly toilet in their garden, disguised as a shed.
They should christen it The Doughnut In Granny’s Greenhouse, old-fashioned slang for an outside loo, as well as the title of the second album by the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band.
We’re told the rustic-style khazi is for the exclusive use of their staff, but I wonder.
The Clooneys have built a fancy new, environmentally friendly toilet in their garden, disguised as a shed (Pictured: How the outbuilding could look)
Could it be that George has been overdoing the exotic coffee he’s paid so handsomely to advertise and Amal’s banished him to the garden?
I do hope they remembered to stockpile some environmentally friendly reusable bog rolls.
Either that, or like the landscaper who called Gardeners’ Question Time on Radio 4 this week suggesting we use plants instead, they’ll have to start growing their own.
Today’s edition of You Couldn’t Make It Up is courtesy of the UN, which has just handed China a key role on its Human Rights Council.
This is despite the Chinese government’s dismal and well-documented record of human rights abuses and comes amid widespread suspicions Beijing is lying about the origins and extent of the pandemic.
Still, what else have we come to expect of the UN, which delights in such perverse behaviour? Repressive states have been given seats on yuman rites bodies before. I seem to remember Colonel Gaddafi’s Libya chairing the committee at one stage.
All you need to know is China will be sitting alongside that other bastion of democracy, compassion and fair play, Chad, which has repeatedly been accused of human rights abuses by Amnesty International and is the base of the Boko Haram terror group.
At this rate, it will only be a matter of time before China is put in charge of the World Health Organisation.
I’m still getting the hang of this online shopping lark.
On a farm website, I noticed chicken breasts for sale, five in a pack.
I ordered three packs, one for us and one each for my daughter and son, who live nearby.
A few days later, I was somewhat surprised to see the delivery man staggering down the drive with a rather large parcel. Turns out each pack contained five kilograms, not five pieces. I still haven’t worked out metric.
Which is how I ended up spending several hours vacuum packing and freezing 48 chicken breasts and can look forward to a fairly monontonous diet during lockdown.
Like Jesse, in The Fast Show, for the next few weeks, I will mostly be eating . . . chicken!
Speaking of online shopping, my wife was wondering what we should do with all the empty boxes now we only get a recycling collection once a fortnight. Better hang on to them, I said. By the time this is all over, we may well end up living in a cardboard box.
