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Style|Tiny Love Stories: ‘He Kissed It Better’
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/06/style/tiny-modern-love-stories-he-kissed-it-better.html
Modern Love
Modern Love in miniature, featuring reader-submitted stories of no more than 100 words.
One night in the bath, my 3-year-old accidentally stabbed me in the face with a toy unicorn. Shocked, I yelled out, causing him to cry. I hastily wrapped him in his favorite green towel. “Can I kiss it better?” I said. He shook his head. My wife removed his shrieking body, leaving me covered in soap suds and shame. The next day at breakfast, I had a small wound on my cheek. My son, covered in cereal, pointed at it and said, “You got a booboo?” I nodded. Leaning over, he kissed it better. It’s fixing, not breaking, that matters. — Ben Bernstein
While vacationing in London’s Clerkenwell neighborhood, I found a dance class that seemed doable: “Limbering, Tuesdays 6 p.m.” The next evening I found the stately brick building just blocks from my rental. Everyone welcomed me warmly. “Where should I stand?” I asked the teacher, who I guessed was in her 80s. When she didn’t respond, I was surprised. “She can’t hear,” the student beside me said. “But it’s OK, we all know the routine.” I joined this conspiracy of affection and followed along so that our teacher, buoyed by her devoted students, could continue doing what she loved most. — Sue Books
When Miss Eileen Freincle, a teacher in training, entered our fifth-grade classroom, there was a collective intake of breath. Unlike the other boys, I was too shy to proclaim my crush. Years later, in school for a masters in elementary education, I had a professor named Mrs. Marge Freincle. I asked her, “Are you related to Eileen Freincle, my wonderful student teacher when I was in school in Brooklyn in 1949?” She said, “That’s my husband’s sister. She lives in California now.” Somehow sensing my innocent crush, she smiled knowingly and added, “She never married.” — Michael Padva
My husband, Shakil, and I didn’t want to buy a pup, especially during a pandemic. But our 9-year-old made a presentation: “Ten Reasons Why I Need a Dog.” Reeham promised to go to sleep on time, keep her room organized, watch less YouTube. What sealed the deal was her expression when she delivered her last reason, “Because I need a companion.” The foster family had two options for us: An alert, sparkly-eyed Desi, and her portly, curious sister. Both brown with white on their paws. Our decision was instant and unanimous. Socks and Mittens completed a year with us this June. — Sahana Ahmed
Fashion|The Back Story on the TikTok Necklace
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/05/fashion/jewelry-pearl-choker-vivienne-westwood.html
Vivienne Westwood designed the three-strand pearl choker more than 30 years ago.
Pearls have been a fashion favorite for a couple of years now, fueled by online images of Harry Styles, Pharrell Williams, Dua Lipa and others draped in the gems.
Pearl earrings, bracelets, brooches, necklaces, headbands, even ankle bracelets are all in demand, but the real stand out is Vivienne Westwood’s three-strand pearl choker. It has appeared so many times on TikTok, worn by so many stars and influencers, that “it’s actually called the TikTok Necklace,” said Jessica Richards, a trend forecaster and founder of JMR Design Consulting in New York.
The choker has a total of 92 glass-based vegan pearls from Swarovski, strung and knotted by hand, and featuring Westwood’s signature orb logo in brass with either a silver or a gold tone. It sells for $590 on the designer’s website or in Vivienne Westwood stores.
Ms. Westwood first showed pearls in her fall 1987 women’s collection, called Harris Tweed — even on some of the men on her runway. She then returned to pearls, including the three-row choker, in her fall 1990 collection, Portrait.
But then, the designer said in a recent email, pearl jewelry “could fit in with practically any period and it would look right.”
As Andreas Kronthaler, Ms. Westwood’s husband and the brand’s creative director, wrote in a separate email: “There’s nothing more flattering than pearls. They play with the whites of your eyes and teeth; pearls really talk to you. And they work on everybody — from young to old, women and men, everyone.”
Observers emphasize the subversive side of Ms. Westwood’s pearl play. “Pearls have been cloaked in the taint of conventional, traditional style,” said Marion Fasel, founder of the online jewelry magazine The Adventurine — so, considering Ms. Westwood’s lifelong efforts to upend the stodgy, it was only right that she would “not just twist a classic, but turn it on its head.”
“Wear it with anything, with sweatpants,” Ms. Fasel said of the choker, “but nothing prim. If you’re wearing it with anything appropriate, you’re wearing it wrong.”
Fashion Review
Four years after its founder’s death, the cult brand has a new designer. How did he do?
PARIS — On Sunday night in a Paris fizzing with post-lockdown euphoria, in a single-block street in the Marais where the designer Azzedine Alaïa once lived and worked, the first live couture week in a year a half began.
The pavement was lit by klieg lights, lined by two rows of black folding chairs, and clogged with fashion folk: movie stars (Owen Wilson, Monica Bellucci), designers (Raf Simons of Prada; Pierpaolo Piccioli of Valentino), and those who had once been regulars in the Alaïa kitchen (Farida Khelfa, the model and filmmaker; Anna Coliva, the art historian and curator).
All come to see Pieter Mulier, the Belgian designer who spent many years by the side of Mr. Simons, but had never run a house of his own, do what many had believed could not be done after the unexpected death of Mr. Alaïa in 2017: take on the legacy of the last great couturier of the 20th century, a famously independent creator, and make it his own.
So did he?
No, not entirely. But he did do the right thing.
He proved he could speak Alaïa, with a sort of whistle-stop tour through the ABC’s of the brand: the sleek cowl-like hoods, the body-con knits, the crisp white shirting and marabou and python, the bike shorts and corset belts, the constructivist denim and iridescent flou. The highly controlled, sculpted volumes: sometimes billowing outward, sometimes second-skin.
He gave it all a slight twist, swapping Mr. Alaïa’s signature metal grommets for silver bobbles on laser-cut knits; cutting the shirts so they curved backward at the lower ribs and then up, to form a hood like a sail in the wind; layering sheer T-shirt dresses atop built-in bodysuits in a trompe l’oeil tease.
He wrote a thank-you letter to Mr. Alaïa, instead of show notes. He subsumed his own ego to the history of the house. He literally held the show outside the front door, as if to acknowledge he was just entering. Well, maybe for Covid protocols too.
If it also seemed a little bit like parroting — that’s how you start with a new language. Especially one treated as sacred tribal idiom by so many.
At a dinner held in the courtyard of the atelier after the show, Mr. Mulier said he had purposefully avoided the Alaïa archive, a famously rich history of the brand, because he didn’t want to be too intimidated. (He also said that when he was auditioning for the job — Alaïa is owned by the Swiss luxury group Compagnie Financière Richemont — he told the executives, “I’m not going to do sweatshirts, nylon or puffers.” Praise be.)
Instead, he paged through books of Mr. Alaïa’s work and relied on his own memory — he said he had been obsessed with Alaïa from “about 1983 to 1996” — and on friends who had been wearing the brand for more than 20 years. You could tell: The focus was on the silhouettes, especially of the early Alaïa years, more than any of the increasingly intricate details of the designer’s later work or the knife-edge exactitude; the sensuality overt, rather than internal.
Part of the alchemy of Alaïa was the fact the designer always put the woman first — was obsessed with how clothes felt on the body, so that they served the person inside. They made her into a stronger, more graceful version of herself, which often translated into an aura of power untethered from time. That’s hard to see from the outside and even harder to replicate. To achieve it, Mr. Alaïa was uncompromising. But to a certain extent, Mr. Mulier’s job, at least for now, is to compromise: to navigate between past and present, between a myth and a business.
As a result, though emotion was very high on the street — Mr. Simons, who said he knew how much pressure Mr. Mulier was feeling, kept tearing up with pride; Mr. Mulier signed his letter to Mr. Alaïa “with all my heart” — it hadn’t yet fully permeated the clothes.
That’s OK. It will probably come, as Mr. Mulier relaxes into his role, and is able to create his own vernacular, abstracting the essence of Alaïa into new forms. Perhaps the best way to think of this collection is as a sort of throat-clearing; a pretty glamorous hrrrggggrrruuumm. We will see what happens next.
Modern Love
Tengo 83 años, soy legalmente ciega y me vendría bien un poco de asistencia al comprar.
No veía cuál era el problema. Soy una mujer muy respetable que sabe lo que quiere y tiene la capacidad de pagar por ello. A los 83 años, tal vez tengo un poco más edad que la mayoría y soy legalmente ciega, pero, en general, a las personas les da gusto recibirme en sus negocios y tiendas exclusivas y se mueven rápido para brindarme ayuda.
¿Pero aquí? ¿En esta sofisticada tienda erótica de SoHo? Fue como si se partieran las aguas, y yo quedase varada en una orilla distante. Nadie me preguntó si necesitaba ayuda para encontrar algo. Lo peor, la amiga que invité específicamente para reseñar y reportar sobre la mercancía parecía haber desaparecido. ¿Se había esfumado mágicamente en una nube de vergüenza por la variedad de consoladores multicolores que se podían ver al entrar? ¿Qué esperaba en un lugar como este? La variedad es su especialidad.
Tenía en mente comprar un par de juguetes deliciosos porque creo en la búsqueda de la felicidad para las personas de todas las edades e inclinaciones. Para este fin, estaba lista para comprar, comprar y comprar, pero parecía que no había nadie que quisiera vender, vender y vender. Como tengo una discapacidad visual (como lo delata mi alegre y adornado bastón), cualquiera podría ver sin duda que la asistencia era necesaria. Ahora, más que nunca, necesitaba compañía.
No obstante, ella había huido a un rincón lejano. Ella parecía dispuesta, al principio, a acompañarme en esta expedición de compra. ¿Por qué ahora se rehusaba? Con certeza, no era posible que adultos funcionales se sintieran apenados por estar en un ambiente dedicado al placer. Algo tan incongruente sería absurdo en la actualidad y en esta época, ¿no?
Mi lema es: sexo para uno, sexo para dos, sexo para todo aquel que lo desee. Y eso enfáticamente incluye a aquellos de nosotros que tenemos una edad muy muy avanzada.
Considero desconcertante la mojigatería en torno las tiendas eróticas. Me crie en la década de los 50, cuando muchos de nosotros estábamos cautivados con las declaraciones de Sigmund Freud sobre el orgasmo vaginal simultáneo. En el mundo del sexo correcto psicoanalíticamente recetado, el uso de pertrechos disminuiría la superioridad del todopoderoso órgano masculino. Algo impensable en ese entonces. Sin embargo, ya no estamos atados por el síndrome del ego masculino.
¿De verdad pensamos que las pobres cosas son tan frágiles que a menos de que sean la única y exclusiva fuente de placer sexual de una mujer perderán su estatus como amos del universo? ¿Por qué impondríamos tal carga en estas almas agobiadas? Todos sabemos que cualquier persona cuerda quiere darle placer a su pareja, amigo o amiga, romance pasajero, conocido o conocida reciente. Tal persona estará feliz de sugerir, en ocasiones, bajo ciertas circunstancias, el incorporar refuerzos.
Para algunos de nosotros, la era del rapidín ha terminado. Sin embargo, una excursión en solitario a mediodía o un encuentro para uno a la hora del té podría ser genial. Sin importar el lugar, los juguetes también son para los grandes.
Cuando las personas menosprecian a las tiendas eróticas, a menudo lo hacen con el cliché de que “el sexo debe ser natural”. Bueno, sí, pero a veces el sexo puede ser amplificado con música, aroma, fantasías y juguetes, así como el tacto y las caricias. Y, por supuesto, todas estas adiciones pueden mejorar una sensación singular, así como los deliciosos dúos, tríos, cuartetos y más. ¿Podría ser que todavía estamos distantes de nuestras vaginas? Si mi compañera de compras estaba abrumada o le faltaba educación sobre tales asuntos, era mi deber corregir eso.
Era momento del rescate. Sabía que tenía que enfrentar y deshacerme de cualquier noción extraña que ella tuviera que le evitara cumplir su tarea designada de ser mis ojos. ¿Por qué no revisaba el lugar, para decidir en un atractivo despliegue de inventario y llevarnos precisamente por ese pasillo? ¿Era una cuestión de edad? La suya, no la mía. Ella era, después de todo, un retoño de solo 40 y tantos años. Tal vez su comportamiento elusivo podría deberse solo a la locura de la juventud.
Después de finalmente localizar a mi compañera de compras, puse una mano sobre la suya para confortarla. “¡Habla!”, le dije. “¿Por qué la timidez?”.
“Pensé que estabas bromeando cuando mencionaste una excursión a una tienda erótica”, respondió. “No hacemos esto de donde yo vengo. Ni Dios lo permita”.
Casi podía oír cómo se ruborizaba.
“Querida, el orgullo total de todas nuestras aventuras es otro de mis lemas. Sin vergüenza, sin ser juzgadas”, le dije.
¿Había un problema con la idea de que una trabajadora social ciega y de edad avanzada fuera una gurú en mejorar las experiencias sexuales? ¿O el problema era mi voz clara que penetraba el ambiente en silencio? No lo sabía. No servía de nada darle a su pensamiento angustiado más tiempo. La tomé del brazo con firmeza y zigzagueamos juntas por el pasillo.
Rosa, morado, celeste, turquesa (tantos artículos interesantes en colores tan deliciosos). No daré detalles sobre el equipo a la venta, ya que quiero alentar viajes personales de exploración.
Un compás de música flotó por la ventana y trajo memorias con él. Una tarde de gozo lento y solitario. Un baño aromático, automasaje con aceite corporal con fragancia, una lista de reproducción especial, un menú apropiado para ayudar a ajustar los ritmos del placer. Qué conveniente tener esa muy pequeña cantidad de energía eléctrica guardada en el cajón de la mesita de noche. Inspiración al instante. Un nuevo y moderno significado para el viejo tiempo fuera.
Mi compañera y yo completamos nuestras compras. Al fin liberada de sus nociones preconcebidas, se dejó llevar y siguió mi buen ejemplo: ¡el morado es lo máximo! Salimos de la tienda agitando sendas bolsas de compras y nos detuvimos en la esquina para reírnos. Dos amigas disfrutando de lo mejor de la vida.
No debería haber límite de edad para la sensual vida sexual. La energía erótica siempre es apropiada a la edad. Es una manera de estar en el mundo, un toque de gala que agregamos a nuestras rutinas mundanas. Coqueteamos con el chofer del autobús, usamos un camisón de seda roja bajo un vestido negro, dejamos que un pedazo perfecto de chocolate se derrita seductoramente en nuestra lengua.
Nuestros cuerpos son nuestros amigos (no solo bandejas que cargamos alrededor de la cabeza). Percibimos el mundo a través de nuestros sentidos. Son fuentes para plantarnos en la tierra y de disfrute. Aunque en la edad avanzada estamos familiarizados con una disminución en el oído y la vista, déjennos usar nuestras deficiencias para aproximarnos al gusto, el tacto y el olfato.
Estamos en el epílogo de nuestra vida. Podemos liberarnos de tantas cosas. Por ejemplo, dejar de trepar en la jerarquía y esforzarnos. Otro ejemplo, dejar de avergonzarnos de nuestro cuerpo. La mayoría de nosotros hemos aceptado los efectos de la gravedad, como se manifiesta en las formas de nuestro cuerpo algo alterado. Ya no prevalece la duda de nosotros mismos que puede arruinar incluso nuestros momentos más íntimos.
Debemos centrarnos en el placer: es nuestra libertad. Nuestra realidad sensorial siempre está disponible y nos ubica. Es como honramos el prodigioso regalo de estar vivos. Aterrizamos en el respiro, la sangre y los huesos de nuestros seres físicos. Finalmente, pertenecemos.
¿Por qué no continuar la celebración con algunos tesoros de una tienda erótica? Yo vivo en la complicidad del amor duradero. Dos conspiradores, que viven en la comedia de nuestra vida compleja, complicada y hermosa. Con juguetes o sin juguetes, no importa. Lo que importa es la risa. El humor de nuestros preparativos para el despegue. Divertido, pero a veces atado al dolor. Nosotros, los viejos, sabemos que perderemos al otro uno de estos días. Alguien tiene que irse primero. No soy amable, ruego porque sea yo.
Mientras tanto, lo más importante para mí es la cercanía. Quiero una unión uno a uno de mente y cuerpo sin trabas, sin inhibiciones e incondicional.
En los secretos de nuestra piel, mi pareja y yo nos encontramos. Profundizamos y descubrimos. Él se sienta en el borde de la cama, se retira sus anteojos, los dobla con cuidado y los coloca en la mesita de noche. Él, mi amor, es calculador. Él se concentra con intención.
Cuando voltea la cabeza, no puedo ver su expresión, pero creo que puedo sentirla y sé qué ocurrirá a continuación.
Él apaga la luz.
Envuelta en sus brazos, sincronizo mi respiración con la suya. Un toque, una palabra, una caricia. Me hundo, a gran profundidad. Me estiro, estoy recogida. Me preparo para volar. Vivimos en nuestros cuerpos viejos, este hombre y yo, pero, por el momento, vivimos (con un fuerte deseo, seguros de la alegría destellante de nuestro vuelo).
Since 2008, a South Asian American child has been named a champion at every Scripps National Spelling Bee.
Eighth graders aren’t generally known as dictionary aficionados. But Dhroov Bharatia, 12, has a passion for language.
“Nothing can express an idea as effectively as a judicious use of words,” he said by phone from his home in Plano, Texas. This love of vocabulary has made him one of 11 finalists in this year’s Scripps National Spelling Bee, adding him to a long line of South Asian American middle and elementary schoolers who have excelled at the competition.
It’s a well-documented relationship. Since 2008, a South Asian American kid has been named a champion at every Scripps bee. This year, two-thirds of the semifinalists were of South Asian descent, and at least nine of the 11 finalists are of South Asian descent.
Over the past two decades, spelling bees tailored to South Asian children have proliferated. So have spelling bee coaching companies founded by South Asian Americans. Flyers for local bees are handed out at Indian supermarkets, and the activity is spread through word of mouth at temple events.
A 2020 documentary, “Spelling the Dream,” followed four Indian American children preparing for 2017’s bee season and showcased just how much it means to South Asian American families.
“It is definitely a source of pride from an educational standpoint,” said Shalini Shankar, an anthropologist and the author of “Beeline: What Spelling Bees Reveal about Generation Z’s New Path to Success.”
But it is also something more: The bee has become an occasion for unity within the South Asian American immigrant community, and it all goes back to a historic victory more than three decades ago.
In 1985, Balu Natarajan became the first child of immigrants to win Scripps, prompting an outpouring of support from people of South Asian descent. “Many people who I’d never even met felt a connection to it,” said Mr. Natarajan, 49. “I had no idea how much one could be embraced by a community.”
He became a well-known name in Indian American households around the country, which he described as humbling. “People in our community really do pay attention when one of our own is able to have success in something,” he said.
“Today, we have children and families in our community that are center stage when they go to the Scripps Spelling Bee. It’s really a place of comfort. But back in the ’80s, we were just exploring it,” Mr. Natarajan said. “We really had no idea that we were doing this for a community. We were just this tiny fraction of the participants.”
Mr. Natarajan has the photos to prove it: When he first competed in the Scripps spelling bee in 1983, he remembers only six contestants of Indian descent out of 137 students. A few of them gathered to take a photograph, documenting a small moment of togetherness — a stark contrast to the playing field of today.
Every year, about 11 million children in the United States participate in school-level spelling bees. The first Scripps National Bee was held in 1925; because of the pandemic, it was canceled last year for the first time since World War II.
The words have gotten progressively more difficult over the decades — mostly because the kids have gotten a lot better. “Therapy” was a winning word in 1940, but in 2019, two of the winning words were “bougainvillea” and “erysipelas.”
In 2019, Scripps named eight winners for the cup — “octochamps,” they coined themselves. Previously, only two kids had ever tied for the win. Seven of the 2019 champions were of Indian descent.
“It’s not spellers against spellers. It’s spellers against the dictionary,” Ashrita Gandhari, a current finalist, said about the sense of camaraderie and companionship among the contestants.
That doesn’t mean she’s not in it to win it. Ashrita, 14, is spending about 10 hours a day practicing, and has three coaches to help her prepare. But part of her love for the bee has to do with the incredible support she receives from her community.
“I live in Ashburn, Virginia, and let me tell you, a lot of people here are of South Asian descent,” she said. “So many people — all my friends, my neighborhood, my community — they’ve all been super supportive. We’ve had parties, they even filmed a congratulations video for me, baked me cakes.”
Indian Americans are one of the younger, newer groups of immigrants in the United States. Over 60 percent of Indian immigrants living in the United States today arrived after 2000. “That’s not the case for most other Asian populations, Chinese, Filipino, Korean,” said Sangay Mishra, an associate professor at Drew University and the author of “Desis Divided: The Political Lives of South Asian Americans.”
. Indian immigrants did come to the United States in earlier waves, particularly in the wake of the 1965 Immigration and Nationality Act and the family-based immigration that followed. But the implementation of the H-1B visa program in 1990, which allowed for the entry of specialized foreign workers, brought in Indian immigrants in much larger numbers.
In 2016 and 2017, Indians accounted for almost 75 percent of all H-1B visa holders in the United States. This “changed the character of the community, in terms of skewing it more professional and more highly educated,” Dr. Mishra said.
Parents were looking for hobbies for their children that prioritized “all kinds of educational attainment,” said Dr. Shankar. Spelling as an extracurricular activity soon began to spread by word of mouth. “They tell their broader ethnic community about it, and they bring each other to these South Asian spelling games, which are really accessible and held in areas where there’s a large concentration of South Asian Americans,” she said.
The hobby is also passed down — within families — to younger siblings and cousins. (“If the older sibling did it, the younger one often follows,” said Dr. Shankar.) That was the case for the 2016 Scripps champion, Nihar Janga, 16, whose passion for spelling was born out of a sibling rivalry going back to age 5. Watching his mother quiz his older sister, Navya, as she was preparing for the bee, Nihar started chiming in, reciting spellings even before Navya could finish.
“I looked up to the fact that my sister was participating in something like this, but I also wanted to be better at it. Eventually, it grew into my own love for spelling and everything it’s taught me,” Nihar said.
Navya and Nihar’s family, who live in Austin, Texas, first came across spelling bees through Navya’s bharatanatyam (an Indian classical dance) teacher, who was involved with the nonprofit North South Foundation.
The foundation has over 90 chapters, hosts regional and national educational contests in a variety of subject areas, and raises money through these events for disadvantaged students in India. A spelling bee is among the contests run by the organization, and it’s common for top contenders to continue on to Scripps.
Mr. Natarajan is now the foundation’s president, and it has become a powerhouse incubator. Five of 2019’s Scripps octochamps were involved in the North South Foundation.
Another prominent spelling bee on the practice circuit is the South Asian Spelling Bee, which is run by the marketing agency Touchdown Media and has been sponsored by companies such as MetLife and State Farm.
“At its height, it was really pumping in a lot of capital into holding these bees,” Dr. Shankar said. “They’d have a title sponsor and numerous smaller sponsors.” This gave spelling bees a lot more traction and momentum, she added: “It has an entire engine behind it.”
“The community created an infrastructure for the kids to really thrive and excel in this area,” she said.
For many students, spelling isn’t just a study, but also an all-encompassing way to learn about the world.
“Spelling is not just taking these 500,000 words in the English language and memorizing them and then you win the spelling bee — that’s not how it works,” Nihar said. “I want people to think of spelling just like any other competition, like wanting to learn the story behind that field and learning how that field can apply to the world.”
“You can’t just eat protein powder and then go be good at football,” he added.
Dhroov said that one of his favorite things about spelling is how it intersects with his other passions, including music. “I worked on the ‘Carnival of Venice’ song on my alto saxophone, and that’s a piece where the dynamics are very important,” he said. “Knowing all these words — for example, ‘crescendo,’ ‘diminuendo,’ ‘ritardando,’ which means to slow down, ‘fortissimo,’ which means play extremely loud” allowed him to “bring emotion to the piece, make it come alive,” he said.
The amount of concentration necessary also inevitably leads to significant time commitments, and plenty of pressure on the kids.
“The level of our competitors has definitely increased. Some of our students prepare for the spelling bee as any other collegiate athlete would with the amount of preparation, the dedication, and the amount of time that they study,” said J. Michael Durnil, the bee’s executive director.
Tarini Nandakumar was, at 10, one of the youngest semifinalists competing this year. Before she struck out in the semifinals, on June 27, she said she wanted to finish what her older brother, Pranav, had started years before. “My brother got 19th place in nationals, so I wanted to continue and try and win,” Tarini said. Of how it felt to have made it that far, “it’s exciting, but also scary,” she said.
The pressure was high. And when Tarini, who is from Round Rock, Texas, didn’t make it to the finals, she felt a lot of disappointment. Many tears were shed at first, she said. Her parents tried to comfort her, and within just a few days, she said she came around, and was asking for help to start studying again.
“I’m very motivated to get better next time,” she said. “Or at least get in the top five.”
Face coverings are coming off, though not for everyone.
On a recent Sunday night at Le Bilboquet, a see-and-be-seen restaurant in the Hamptons, well-heeled diners nibbled on $475 tins of Osetra caviar. A handsome man showed off his gold Audemars Piguet watch to his sparkly female companion. A party of 10 in polo shirts and striped rompers danced to a tropical house remix of Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to Do With It.”
They were all unmasked, while the waiters, bartenders and other servers kept their mouths and noses covered.
A similar scene unfolded at the Gucci store in East Hampton, where shoppers removed their masks upon reading the door sign stating that vaccinated customers could enter without face coverings. Inside, they were attended to by store clerks in blue-and-white surgical masks, per company policy.
In the weeks since the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revised its mask guidelines to allow fully vaccinated people to take their masks off in most indoor settings, a stark divide has emerged, particularly in wealthier enclaves where services are at a premium.
Those who are still wearing masks tend to be members of the service class — store clerks, waiters, janitors, manicurists, security guards, receptionists, hair stylists and drivers — while those without face coverings are often the well-to-do customers being wined and dined.
Employers are hesitant to discuss their mask policies, but there are sensible reasons for requiring staffers to keep their masks on.
Just under 50 percent of people in the United States are fully vaccinated. And coronavirus variants, some of which are highly infectious and may be more resistant to vaccines, are on the rise, said Dr. Lisa Maragakis, an epidemiologist and associate professor at Johns Hopkins University.
Food servers, retail clerks, grocery cashiers and other public-facing workers interact all day with customers, which can put their health (and the health of their customers) at risk. This creates not only potential liability issues for employers, but also could hamstring a business at a time of worker shortages.
Even at establishments that give vaccinated employees the choice to take their masks off, many are keeping them on. “Who knows who has had their shot and who hasn’t,” said Michelle Booker, a store clerk from the Bronx who works at a Verizon store in Midtown Manhattan. She was wearing her mask on a recent Tuesday, although the company permits vaccinated employees to go without masks. “I don’t believe half of the people who come in,” she said. “I’m still terrified.”
And from a public relations standpoint, seeing employees with masks sends a message about how management regards the health of its customers and staff. “Their workers are serious professionals who take safety seriously,” said Erin Vearncombe, a professor at the University of Toronto who studies the sociology of dress codes.
The resulting class divide may not always be intentional, but it still can be jarring to see how masks have emerged as another symbol of inequality from the pandemic.
At an Apple store in Midtown on a recent Friday, mask-free customers could be seen buying $1,500 iPhones from masked salespeople who may not make that much in a week. At a nearby Sweetgreens, food workers in black masks and matching aprons, and who were mostly people of color, prepared $14 berry and burrata salads for a largely white clientele.
“It sends a message — one that’s been internalized on both sides — that the body of the mask wearer is ‘riskier’ than the body of the consumer,” Dr. Vearncombe said. “It shows that certain groups have, and even deserve, more civil liberties than others.”
Some workers argue that the mask double standard — one rule for customers; another for staff — is not just discriminatory, but defies logic.
“Customers have to be vaccinated to go maskless, but we can’t ask for proof,” said Jose de la Rosa, 26, who works behind the counter at the Juice Generation store in Times Square. “And we have workers who are fully vaccinated, can prove it and still have to wear them. It’s odd.”
As more Americans get vaccinated, some establishments have adopted a single policy for both staff and customers, allowing anyone who has been fully vaccinated to ditch the mask.
A diverse array of stores — including Louis Vuitton, Verizon, Dior, Target and Home Depot — have this policy at all their stores in the United States. Starbucks recently announced that vaccinated workers would be able to remove their masks starting July 5..
But for now, a mask divide remains at many places. On a recent afternoon in Hudson Yards, Mark Pasektsky, 49, a public relations strategist, was shopping for shirts at the Theory store. The clerks that were helping him wore masks. He did not.
“It’s weird, right?” he said. “On one level, you can’t completely blame employers. How do you comfortably institute a policy that protects everyone? You can’t answer it because there is no answer. But the psychology behind the other approach is very curious. Why are they making employees wear masks while the customers do not? Everyone is just confused.”
From foundations and pressed powders to eye serums and lipsticks, these beauty products can help you withstand heat and other environmental elements.
As more weddings continue to be held outdoors, even as pandemic restrictions are lifted, beauty products will have to work overtime to fight prolonged exposure to heat and other environmental elements. But don’t sweat it — we’ve got you (and your face) covered with several products designed to provide long-lasting wear. Many are sweat, transfer and fade resistant.
Dr. Marnie Nussbaum, a dermatologist based in Manhattan, recommends using sunscreen with titanium dioxide and zinc oxide, because, she said, “these mineral ingredients are more effective, last longer and block the rays as opposed to chemical ingredients that absorb them.”
“Look for broad spectrum, water-resistant products with an SPF of 50 that lasts for 80 minutes,” Dr. Nussbaum said.
Sunscreen should be applied first and absorbed into the skin first before other products follow. “If you put it on top of your moisturizer or makeup, it won’t penetrate through your skin and will offer no protection,” she said.
Developed for sensitive skin, La Roche-Posay’s Anthelios Mineral Tinted Sunscreen ($33.50) is a water-resistant, mineral-tinted sunscreen that contains titanium dioxide and zinc oxide. It provides a non-whitening, matte finish with a tinge of color.
Neutrogena’s oil-free Sheer Zinc Face Mineral Sunscreen ($12.99) also contains zinc oxide, and has “dry-touch” properties for a non-greasy, lightweight finish.
“Different from your moisturizer and serum, a primer will form a barrier between your skin and makeup so that makeup stays on longer and doesn’t absorb into the skin,” said Dusty Kuskie, a makeup artist in Orange County, Calif. “Primers,” which go on after the sunscreen, “coat the skin, fill in fine lines, pores and wrinkles while giving you a smooth and even finish.”
One/Size’s Secure the Blur Makeup Magnet Primer ($30) has hydrating and so-called blurring effects, while controlling shine for a matte finish. Glycerin and microspheres soften imperfections, minimize pores, eliminate fine lines and even out texture and tone.
Smooth, tighten, lift and enhance your complexion with Victoria Beckham by Augustinus Bader Cell Rejuvenating Priming Moisturizer ($60). Wrinkle-blurring powders reduce fine lines. Amino acids, micro algae extract, peptides and other ingredients plump skin enhance elasticity, balance, brighten and increase skin’s radiance.
Stress and lack of sleep, not to mention sun glare, can cause your eyes to look tired, sunken and less radiant.
Strivectin’s 360 Tightening Eye Serum ($69) offers a triple peptide blend that tightens and firms, while caffeine and kakadu plum extract helps to improve tone, brightness and reduce dark circles.
Soleil Toujours’s Mineral Ally Eye Glow + Illuminator SPF 15 ($68) has similar results, thanks to repairing peptides, antioxidants, vitamins, red algae and botanicals. Mineral sunscreen adds an extra layer of protection.
Both products provide specially designed applicators to create a cooling effect while massaging and de-puffing your face’s most sensitive area.
For those post-wedding photos taken when the light is just so, you’ll want to make your eyes pop, even when the sun is in them.
Prep and protect lashes with Lancôme’s Cils Booster XL Enhancing Lash Primer ($27). Its conditioning formula includes micro-fibers and vitamin B5 and E, which help create a longer, fuller, thicker look.
Tears are rendered powerless with Maybelline New York’s Volum’ Express, the Colossal Waterproof Mascara, complete with “mega brush,” $8.77. This mascara offers 36 hours of clump-free, flake-resistant, water and smudge proof volume.
And brows can be assured shape and fixed positioning with Too Faced’s Pomade-in-a-Pencil, $23, coming out July 5. It has thickening, filling, sculpting and waterproof capabilities, paired with 36-hour hold, and comes in eight shades.
Keep skin breathable without looking caky or flat with foundations designed to be transfer-proof while offering many colors.
Charlotte Tilbury Airbrush Flawless Foundation ($44) is available in 44 shades. This weightless, long-lasting, full-coverage foundation offers a poreless, matte finish while moisturizing skin for 24 hours.
Those wanting an oil-free option can try Natural Radiant Longwear Foundation by Nars ($49). Available in 34 shades, the buildable, full-coverage formula lasts for 16 hours and is designed to match your skin color. Fruit extracts, like watermelon, raspberry and apple, help improve appearance and smoothness. It also provides sweat, transfer and fade resistance.
Loose or pressed powders reduce shine and offer setting properties. “You want to look for talc- and mica-free products because if used too much, these ingredients can cast a white look or give a flashback in your photos,” said Daniel Martin, a makeup artist and the global director of artistry and education at the skin-care company Tatcha.
Mr. Martin suggested using a large, fluffy brush to set the makeup, then a powder puff afterward to push in and lock down the applied products. “If not, product just sits on your face,” he said.
Released in March, Dior’s Backstage Face & Body Powder-No-Powder, $40, is a long-lasting, multiuse, buildable gel-based powder that has plumping and soft-focus pigments that help erase imperfections. Micropearls increase radiance and brighten complexion. Ten shades provide a natural or bronzing visual.
Tatcha’s translucent Silk Powder, $48, which also debuted in March, delivers radiance properties, thanks to Japanese pearls, blurring effects, and oil-absorbing silk extracts. Each helps protect the skin and extends wearability. This setting powder also deflects blue light rays and filters pollution.
Lips need to be kissable while also kiss-proof; color that stays on you, not others. Embellish Beauty’s Red Carpet Liquid Lipstick collection ($25) is formulated with avocado, grapeseed and jojoba oil for hydration, and kaolin and silica to help prevent feathering and fading. It comes in five shades. Tip: Apply first coat and let dry, then apply another for smudge-proof, 12-hour wear.
No need for a lip pencil with Yves Saint Laurent’s Tatouage Couture, long-wearing, high pigment, smudge and transfer free lip coloring that is designed to offer both. The high point of the applicator tip applies like a liner; flipped on its side it goes on like a lipstick. The 12 shades offer a matte look paired with high pigment color.
“It’s important to reapply sunblock every two hours, especially when you’re out in the heat for extended periods of time,” said Dr. Michelle Henry, a dermatologist in private practice in Manhattan who is a fan of pocket-size SPFs. “Items like these are easy to use, are great for extra protection, especially your vulnerable spots like your nose, chest or top of your ears.”
They also absorb oil and remove shine, she said, “which if not corrected, can make your face appear greasy in your photos rather then matte or dewy.”
Supergoop Defense Refresh (Re)setting Mist SPF 40 ($14) for a one-ounce size, gives skin a moist boost while also protecting it and your makeup. Peppermint and rosemary oil give you a soothing mental moment.
Single-use blotters like the Luminess SPF 30 Sunscreen Setting Powder ($20) an ultra-slim, pre-soaked zinc oxide powder on a sponge, lets you pat, press, and focus on the whole face or specific areas. There are 18 individual packets.
Style|Whitney Peak Has Fun on the ‘Gossip Girl’ Reboot
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/03/style/whitney-peak-has-fun-on-the-gossip-girl-reboot.html
Up Next
The teenage actress is also a brand ambassador for Chanel.
Name: Whitney Peak
Age: 18
Hometown: Born in Uganda and raised in Port Coquitlam, a city outside Vancouver, British Columbia.
Now Lives: in a loft apartment in the Williamsburg neighborhood of Brooklyn.
Claim to Fame: A teenage actress who first made her mark playing small but pivotal roles in Aaron Sorkin’s “Molly’s Game” and “Chilling Adventures of Sabrina,” Ms. Peak stars in the reboot of “Gossip Girl.”
She is a fan of the original teenage soap opera, and the glimpse of the privileged life it provided. “I just loved seeing people complain about things that were so outside of my world,” she said. “It was so ridiculous, but at the same time so good. And now that I’m living in New York, I catch myself complaining about something like that. I’m like, ‘Oh my God, I’m doing it!’”
Big Break: In 2015, Ms. Peak was doing background work on the TV series “Minority Report” when she was cast as the younger version of Lara Vega, played by Meagan Good. A co-star, Colin Lawrence, was so impressed that he connected her to his agency, Play Management.
“For the longest time, acting was just this little thing that I did on the side, a little hobby,” she said. Things shifted, however, when she started acting classes. “That’s when I stopped looking at it as a hobby and as something I’m actually interested in.”
Latest Project: The new “Gossip Girl” is a modern riff on the original from the early aughts, with a new cast of characters populating the hallowed halls of Constance Billard, a tony prep school on the Upper East Side. Ms. Peak, who got the role after just one audition, plays Zoya Lott, a new girl with a secret that is set to upend the school’s social hierarchy. “She’s very young and a little bit naïve,” Ms. Peak said.
Next Thing: Ms. Peak was recently named a brand ambassador for Chanel. “There’s such a maturity and sophistication about Chanel, but I have fun with the idea of making it look street style,” she said. “That’s so sick.”
Pajama Party: Ms. Peak has a more casual approach to style in real life. “If I need to clear my head or I just want dessert, my friend and I will, in our pajamas, walk over to this bakery, Martha’s,” she said. “They have this gluten-free chocolate fudge cake that is out of this world.”
At Home|What to Do this Weekend
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/02/at-home/newsletter.html
At Home and Away
‘Summer of Soul,’ butter mochi and dark rosés.
Welcome. It’s a holiday weekend in the United States, another milestone, where we might pause and consider where we were one year ago. What’s changed? Take a minute this weekend to consider where you were, what you were feeling, what was happening, last Fourth of July. It’s raining here in New York, good weather for reflecting. Whether you’re at home or away this weekend, here are some of our best ideas for how to pass the time.
The At Home and Away Summer Playlist has grown and morphed into a pretty perfect holiday soundtrack. Give it a listen if you haven’t already, and try one of our previous reader-curated playlists.
Steven Soderbergh’s new heist film, “No Sudden Move,” is streaming on HBO Max. A.O. Scott says that it’s “for the most part a tight and twisty against-the-clock crime caper with an obvious debt to Elmore Leonard.” It stars Don Cheadle and Benicio Del Toro. Here’s the trailer. I’m in.
Questlove’s concert movie “Summer of Soul (… Or, When the Revolution Could Not Be Televised)” premieres in theaters and on Hulu today. The concerts in question were part of a six-week outdoor series that took place in Harlem in the summer of 1969, the same year as Woodstock. The film features performances by Sly and the Family Stone, Gladys Knight & the Pips, Nina Simone and, as Wesley Morris puts it, “a 19-year-old, pre-imperial-era Stevie Wonder getting behind a drum kit and whomping away — sitting, standing, kicking, possessed.”
Plan your streaming schedule for the rest of the month. Here’s what’s on the way on Amazon, HBO and Hulu for July. (Season 2 of “Ted Lasso” arrives July 23.)
If you’re attending a cookout or barbecue, bring along an Asimov-endorsed dark rosé, Melissa Clark’s three-bean salad or Genevieve Ko’s take on the beloved Hawaiian dessert butter mochi.
Check out ten new books we recommend this week …
… and the stuff people impulse-bought after getting their vaccines in pharmacies.
Dreaming of travel? The Italian islands of Capri and Procida are preparing for tourists’ return. But don’t forget the sunscreen — or your passport.
You should definitely take a few minutes to read Andrew Leland’s story “Is There a Right Way to Act Blind?,” about his visit to the set of “In the Dark,” a CW series about a blind woman in her 20s.
“Why were we able to make the world virtually accessible only when it mattered for non-disabled people? Why can’t we do that all the time?” asks Emily Ladau, a disability rights activist in Long Island, N.Y., in this six-minute film highlighting the experience of people who are dreading a return to “normal” life. Watch it if you’re feeling any ambivalence yourself.
How on earth did I miss Liz Phair’s song “Hey Lou” and its video featuring puppets of Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson? With a cameo by an Andy Warhol puppet?
I was looking for a novel that I could lose a day reading and Lisa Taddeo’s latest, “Animal,” did not disappoint.
Here’s a short poem for the weekend: “July 4, 1974,” by June Jordan.
And thanks to the Well editor Lori Leibovich for alerting me to this Sleater-Kinney Tiny Desk Concert.
When you think back to what was happening a year ago, what’s changed? What’s continuing to change? And what hasn’t changed a bit? Write to us: athome@nytimes.com. Include your full name and location and we might feature your contribution in a future newsletter. We’re At Home and Away. We’ll read every letter sent. More ideas for leading a full and cultured life, at home and away, appear below. I’ll see you next week.
And: a double wedding in Texas.
Everyone loves a good renovation project. There are few things more satisfying than seeing a decrepit house transformed into a beacon of beauty.
However, for Kelly Sundberg, the writer of this week’s Modern Love essay, her fixer-uppers tend to be emotionally unavailable men.
Ms. Sundberg, who calls herself a “man flipper,” has had her fair share of relationship rehabs that result in suitors who are perfect … for someone else.
What’s better than one sister falling in love and getting married? Two sisters finding love and getting married on the same day. On May 29, 2021, sisters Mary Wilt and Melinda Stone decided to share one ceremony when they married Rob Andrews and Calvin Hodges, respectively. Ms. Wilt first dated Mr. Andrews in high school; Ms. Stone and Mr. Hodges met at a supermarket in Plano, Texas.
Forgetting passports but packing full-sized liquid carry-ons: As parts of the world open up, travelers are fumbling and stumbling in ways large and small, usually while laughing about it.
Kira Segal is a supremely organized traveler, regularly making lists of must-brings and to-dos for vacations with her husband and four children, whose ages range from almost six months to seven years old. In March, after the grown-ups got their second shots, Ms. Segal assembled what she’d need to get to Anguilla, including virus tests and passports for her two youngest children. But she forgot her kids’ sunblock, hats and rash guards.
“It’s like I completely forgot that we were going to a Caribbean island,” said Ms. Segal, 35, a New Yorker who is about to start law school. “Usually I would have a full bag — the spray, the stick, the lip balm. Now, as far as safety for my children goes, Covid and masks are much more at the forefront than sunblock. ”
As inoculations rise, parts of the world open up and travelers endeavor to regain their sea legs — a collective young “Bambi,” relearning to walk — they’re fumbling and stumbling in ways large and small, usually while laughing about it. In a new digital campaign from Accor, one of the largest hotel companies in the world, the actor Neil Patrick Harris captures the sentiment, opening a 90-second “etiquette lesson” about packing by saying: “It’s been a while since we left the house. So the idea of packing for a trip might seem a little unfamiliar.”
“Because of this interruption that’s lasted over one year, the things that we are usually so familiar with — the things we usually take for granted for, the things we can just automatically perform — have been disrupted,” said Qi Wang, a Cornell University professor of Human Development who studies memory.
Chad Kelley, a Seattle-based Delta Air Lines flight attendant who usually flies Midwest and Pacific routes, has recently noticed an uptick in requests for headphones, plus an unusual number of requests for goods that planes generally don’t stock, like toothpaste and over-the-counter medicines.
“When people get on board, they seem to really have forgotten how things work,” Mr. Kelley said. “People are staring at the overhead bins a little bit longer and trying to figure out, ‘OK, how do I sit down? Will this bag fit up there?’ We’re all so used to sitting on the couch.”
Before the pandemic, Mr. Kelley commonly saw parents with expertly organized kids’ gear and snacks. Now, he said, “Bags are noticeably more disheveled. It seriously looks like people have just thrown stuff in there, because no one’s actually packed to go anywhere.”
In August, when Anthony Berklich, the founder of Inspired Citizen, a luxury travel consultancy, arrived at the airport for his first international flight of the pandemic, he realized that he didn’t have his passport, “completely forgetting that I needed this document to depart the country,” he joked. (He had to reschedule his flight.)
“Protocols are changing so rapidly — it’s so confusing to travelers,” said Mr. Berklich, who usually logs 200,000 miles a year. “Their minds don’t have enough space to worry about regular travel essentials when they’re worried about whether they’ll get into a country or be allowed to leave.”
Dr. Wang said that traveling engages what’s called “prospective memory,” or the ability to remember to perform a task in the future; say, bring a passport to the airport or pack sunscreen for a beach trip.
“With some prospective memories, once you lose that well-exercised routine, you may need to more consciously monitor your packing,” she said. “Before, when you were so used to it, you almost didn’t have to think about those things.”
William Rademacher, the general manager of The Wayfinder Hotel, in Newport, R.I., recalled one business traveler who had stayed at the hotel regularly before the pandemic.
“On his first stay back with us in March, the front-desk agent asked him if he needed help with his bags,” Mr. Rademacher said. “He looked around and said, ‘That’s weird — I never leave my luggage in my car.’ A few minutes later he came back in, walked up to the same front desk agent and said that he had forgotten his bag — all of his clothes and toiletries — at home.”
Then there’s the degree to which Covid — and its mind-boggling requirements for international trips — has dominated travelers’ attention spans.
“We had clients so nervous about all the Covid testing and protocols that they forgot all about the other vaccines needed for travel and arrived in Kenya without their yellow fever vaccine,” said PJ Scott, the chief operating operator of ROAR AFRICA, a luxury safari company, referring to the country’s vaccination requirement. “Clients are so focused on Covid protocols that everything else seems to go by the wayside. Luckily, after much persuasion and discussion with immigration, they were allowed to enter.”
Even seasoned industry employees are not immune — something Téva Canetti, the assistant banquets director at Le Fouquet’s, confronted when the Paris luxury hotel reopened in June after a closure of more than a year.
“When I returned, I had completely forgotten my work phone number,” he said. “I had to keep a note with me all day with the number on it.”
Yet perhaps the biggest feeding ground of “face-palm” moments has been — where else? — airport security.
“Some people who haven’t flown in more than a year or year and a half, and they’re like, ‘Oh yeah, my passport expired’ or ‘I should have worn my slip-on shoes,’” said Lisa Farbstein, a public affairs spokeswoman for the Transportation Security Administration. “They’re having to become re-familiarized with the process. It’s a learning curve — or really a ‘relearning’ curve.”
Ms. Farbstein said the agency is seeing an unusually high volume of rookie mistakes at checkpoints, including full-size liquids in carry-ons.
“We’re seeing far fewer business travelers — frequent fliers, people who know the routine,” she said. “Instead, we’re seeing casual leisure travelers. They can’t stand sitting around their living room anymore; they get vaccinated and then they’re like, ‘I’m out of here.’ So they throw everything in their carry-on without thinking about it.”
According to an analysis on tourism expenditures released this month by the U.S. Travel Association, business travel may not bounce back to prepandemic levels until 2024.
When Gray Malin, 35, a travel and fine-art photographer who has been to all seven continents, arrived at the airport for a flight to Hawaii around Christmas, he learned that his TSA PreCheck membership had expired when he was locked down in Los Angeles last year.
“So I had to go through security and take out my laptop, my camera, my iPad,” Mr. Malin said. “I felt like a real novice — if you travel a lot, you always see that person who clearly has never traveled before. Well, that was me.”
On the return leg of that trip, Mr. Malin forgot that his S’well bottle was full of water.
“When the security guard opened it, I was like a dog with my tail between my legs,” he joked. “I can’t believe I made such a foolish mistake. When you do something routinely, it comes naturally. And if you stop the routine, then it’s a little trickier getting back into it.”
Sarah Firshein is our Tripped Up columnist. If you need advice about a best-laid travel plan that went awry, send an email to travel@nytimes.com.
THE WORLD IS REOPENING. LET’S GO, SAFELY. Follow New York Times Travel on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. And sign up for our Travel Dispatch newsletter: Each week you’ll receive tips on traveling smarter, stories on hot destinations and access to photos from all over the world.
Send questions about the office, money, careers and work-life balance to workfriend@nytimes.com. Include your name and location, or a request to remain anonymous. Letters may be edited.
I’m a communications professional interviewing for new jobs. My greatest hope for my next position is that it will not be remote and that I will be provided with a private office, or at least a substantial cubicle. I’m nervous that bringing this up during the interview process will make me seem high maintenance. But honestly, I would trade a desk and a door for a higher salary. I have been provided with my own office for most of my career. However, in my last position, I had only a chair at a long table I shared with about 10 other people. This is a common setup in Bay Area offices and is ostensibly meant to encourage collaboration. I found it to be impossible! I was constantly distracted. Is simply requesting my own work space too highfalutin these days.
— Anonymous, San Francisco Bay Area
Open offices are seemingly all the rage. Some people love them, but most people, myself included, hate them. Working out in the open, especially at those long tables, is way too much exposure. How do you make phone calls? How do you take a moment for yourself? How do you get anything done? Cubicles are something of an improvement, I suppose. At least you have two or three walls to shield you from your co-workers but you are still too exposed. You have every right to want an office with a door that closes.
That desire, in and of itself, doesn’t make you too high maintenance. Unfortunately, most of us don’t have any say in our work space accommodations. Do not bring up that you want an office during the interview process. That will not be a good look. There is always a moment during a job interview where an employer asks if you have any questions. You can use that as an opportunity to ask what the physical office environment is like so you have the necessary information to decide if a position is a good fit. When you get a job, you can probably even make a request for an office, but only if other people at your level have similar accommodations.
My current workplace has a great office culture. Recently, a longtime and beloved co-worker took their life. It was unexpected, although many of us knew the co-worker struggled with depression. Since our co-worker’s passing, many of us have had difficulty coping. We have struggled with focus, sadness, confusion and anger. It has affected productivity and the office environment. I have also been struggling with our leadership’s response. The office sent out an email announcing that our co-worker passed away, with no additional information. A link to individual bereavement counseling was provided. The leadership decided to respect the family’s wishes to keep the cause of death private. While my co-workers are allowed to discuss losing our friend and the manner of death, our managers are not.
I find this information vacuum problematic for several reasons. Lack of acknowledgment that suicide occurred can endorse the stigma associated with suicide and mental health struggles. It leaves people to speculate about the circumstances of the death. And respecting this wish by the family limits how the company can help employees cope. For example, we have asked for group sessions or guidance on coping with the loss of someone to suicide. Our employer is not providing these resources, as the company is not able to discuss the cause of death.
My co-workers and I are still struggling, and we are looking for additional support from leadership. Am I wrong to expect more? What is acceptable to expect from an employer when the family does not want the cause of death shared? I am willing to concede that I am being unreasonable.
— Anonymous
I am so sorry for the loss you and your co-workers are experiencing. The unexpected death of someone you respect and love is painful. When they die by suicide you are often left with many questions for which you will never find answers. I also understand your frustrations toward your employer. You want information they won’t provide, but the key thing here is that they are respecting the family’s wishes. You have every right to want more information, clarity and support, but you are not entitled to it. The family’s wishes supersede yours whether you agree with those wishes or not.
Your employers are, from what I can tell, doing what they can within the constraints imposed upon them. If the company is not allowed to acknowledge that your co-worker died by suicide, it cannot implement a grief management plan specifically for a suicide death. I hate this terrible position you’ve all been placed in. It’s not fair to anyone but I know the family is grieving a painful loss. They have made a decision about how they will manage at least this aspect of that grief.
Your frustration is reasonable. Needing more is reasonable. But no company is going to circumvent the family’s wishes in this situation. Expecting your employer to do so is where unreasonable begins. What you want is someone to acknowledge your grief and give you a set of tools to manage it. I urge you and your colleagues to avail yourselves of the individual bereavement counseling. You might also compile a list of resources to share — the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a good place to start. And I would also suggest an informal, optional gathering, outside of work, a memorial of sorts where you can acknowledge the loss and share remembrances.
I am a woman and I’m starting work at a firm that adds pronouns to their signatures. I’m a registered architect with 15 years experience. It’s taken a long time for me to be taken seriously in my very male dominated profession. I feel uncomfortable adding my pronouns (she/her) to my signature. I’ve spent my entire career trying not to remind my mostly male bosses and the construction teams I work with of my gender. To be clear, my gender is very obvious in person but I’d like to have some gender anonymity when it comes to emails.
I have long felt discriminated against and treated differently than my male colleagues in some cases, so the focus on my gender makes me uncomfortable. In addition, my name is very difficult to pronounce so I often add the phonetic spelling of my first name in my email signature, right where the pronouns would now reside. I understand that adding pronouns even when you’ve never been misgendered helps normalize this practice. But I don’t want to remind all the men I work with of my gender status every time I send an email. Am I the only one who doesn’t like the focus on this?
— Anonymous, Seattle
There are generally no character limits on email signatures. You can share pronunciation and pronouns. You are treating your gender as a problem when the real problem is how other people seem to regard your gender. Working in a male-dominated field can be incredibly difficult. I understand your inclination to exclude your pronouns but you aren’t hiding your gender when you do so. Your colleagues and peers are well-aware that you are a woman. Excluding your pronouns won’t prevent further bias or discrimination. It’s not a solution. It’s a coping mechanism. That is well within your rights. I absolutely understand where you’re coming from. After fifteen years in your industry, you have clearly had enough, but this is not only about you.
We share our pronouns to create an environment of inclusivity. We do so to communicate that we embrace all gender identities, that we don’t assume everyone we encounter is cisgendered, and to make it safer for people to share their gender. You have to decide what you want to prioritize more — your desire to minimize your gender so you maybe face less gender bias at work or your desire to contribute to a more inclusive workplace culture. In the long term, doing the latter will also make it easier for you to do your job without the burden of gender bias.
Roxane Gay is the author, most recently, of “Hunger” and a contributing opinion writer. Write to her at workfriend@nytimes.com.