Oh, how I’ve missed you, rose lovers! It’s been all of a week since we last got together (btw, seems like Hannah and Tyler version 2.0 is working out nicely so far). Here’s hoping that you’re rested and ready for four hours of sandy, messy, sun-drenched drama on Bachelor in Paradise each week. Let’s recap the season premiere highlights.
THE BOYS
Blake (Becca’s season)
Dylan (Hannah’s season)
Derek (JoJo’s season; Paradise season 4)
Kevin (Hannah’s season)
Wills (Becca’s season; Paradise season 5)
Cam (Hannah’s season)
John Paul Jones (Hannah’s season)
Chris Bukowski (too many credits to mention)
Clay (Becca’s season)
THE WOMEN
Hannah G. (Colton’s season)
Katie (Colton’s season)
Sydney (Colton’s season)
Tayshia (Colton’s season)
Demi (Colton’s season)
Onyeka and her ever-present airhorn (Colton’s season)
Jane (Colton’s season)
Annaliese (Arie’s season; Paradise season 5)
Nicole (Colton’s season)
Caelynn (Colton’s season)
Bibiana (Arie’s season; Winter Games; Paradise season 5)
Kristina (Nick’s season, Paradise season 4)
THE RELEVANT BACKSTORIES
*Caelynn dated Blake after Colton’s season, and it did not end well. (His first response upon seeing her on the beach: “Holy s—, I gotta go!” “We had something,” Caelynn tells Wells the bartender. “We talked about skipping Paradise and coming out as us. And then he, like, ghosted me.” They hooked up again later, but one morning Caelynn woke up and caught Blake DM’ing Hannah G. while lying next to her in bed. That same morning, Blake told Caelynn that he had just slept with Kristina the night before. Ewwwwww. Before coming to Paradise, he begged Caelynn to keep their past relationship a secret… but she disregards that suggestion.
So yeah, this is gonna come back to haunt him.
*Clay dated Angela (Nick’s season; Paradise season 5) until fairly recently. Annaliese, who is friends with Angela, thinks it’s too soon for Clay to be dating again.
*Before arriving in Paradise, Demi started dating a woman and now considers herself sexually fluid. “It’s not something that I have to label,” she explains to Special Guest Star Hannah Brown. “I don’t feel like I have to proclaim that I’m gay, I am straight, I am bisexual, I am this — I just like who I like.”
EARLY COUPLINGS
Blake and Tayshia: From the second he arrived in Paradise, Blake started flirting with Hannah G. So naturally, he chose “flirTayshia” for the season’s first date. (To be fair, he did meet her once at a music festival, but he was too drunk to remember much of it.)
They head to the Vidanta Hotel, where some poor interns spent the afternoon hanging hundreds of string lights in the dining room to create a “romantic” atmosphere. It works, apparently, because after dinner Blake and Tayshia make a beeline to the hotel hot tub and start sucking face.
Derek and Demi: As she told us earlier, Demi is open to anything. And that includes making out with Derek, whom she’s known for a few hours, in the hot tub. If you’re wondering what that looked like, allow Demi to demonstrate.
Hannah G. and Dylan: Though Hannah was quite disappointed that Blake didn’t ask her out on the date, Dylan — who says Hannah is the only woman he can see dating in Paradise — is thrilled. “I just think she’s totally out of my league, to be honest,” he says. “But with Paradise, you just have to go for it.” To that end, he pulls Hannah G. for a chat and shyly announces that he’s “very into” her.
Welp, that was fast. See kids? You don’t get what you don’t ask for.
Blake and Kristina (?): Late arrival Kristina gets the second date card of the episode, and Tayshia and Caelynn are very upset to see that she uses it to ask Blake out. What they don’t know, though, is that Kristina wants revenge on Blake for sleeping with Caelynn the night after he hooked up with her. “I honestly thought that he would have a little more respect for me,” she says. “So today, I’m going to make Blake my bitch.” Do it, gurl. DO. IT.
THE 4 MOST GIF-ABLE MOMENTS
1) Jane has a drinking problem
You probably don’t remember Jane from Colton’s season, because she went home on night one. But this hot sauce fixation isn’t just a schtick: During my set visit to the Bachelor mansion during Colton’s first episode, I heard her tell him that “hot sauce is, like, my jam.”
2) Katie does her research before Paradise
In addition to putting together a Homeland-style crazy board, complete with red string and pinned up headshots, producers made it look like Katie stalked Blake while he jogged through the park.
3) Derek senses Cam’s impending arrival
4) Blake’s agony
This is what it looks like when the second woman you pulled a hit-it-and-quit-it maneuver on arrives at your Mexican vacation resort. Of course, Blake tries to downplay his relationship with Kristina; he tells the camera that they were “friends” and he is “happy” to see her, and tells the guys that they were “hanging out” about “sex or seven months ago.” Hey Blake, your Freudian slip is showing.
Welp, rose lovers, night one in Paradise is officially in the books. While I’m guessing you’re all fully prepared to hate Blake (as am I), is there anyone on the beach you like? Post your thoughts below, and I’ll see you back here tomorrow.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC
Chris Harrison goes international with a cast of former bachelors and bachelorettes looking for love… and a chance to extend their reality fame.
